


Worth This Life

by arimabat



Series: The Spiteful Chant [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Amputation, Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Banter, Body Dysphoria, Canon Compliant, Daddy Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Genocide, Grief/Mourning, Hope vs. Despair, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Major Character Death - like even more than in canon, Mental Health Issues, Nebula (Marvel) Angst, Nebula Needs a Hug, Nebula-Centric, POV Nebula, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Repression, Road Trips, Serious Injuries, Sibling Love, Stranded on Titan, Survivor Guilt, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unlikely Friendships, Wakanda, it's all very grim, like bucketloads of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 15:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15732072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arimabat/pseuds/arimabat
Summary: After the snap, Nebula is stranded on Titan with an injured Terran. And now she has to face a new challenge as the aftereffects of what Thanos did to her leave her fighting infection and death. She's left relying on Terrans to help her combat the pain and the hopelessness even as she has to help them keep going in the face of catastrophe.





	1. TEETH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't believe I've actually written a fic about the consequences of Infinity War. I don’t even really like angst for the sake of it but apparently I really enjoy writing Thanos-hate fic so here we are.  
> For the first two chapters, it's only Nebula and Tony. This should be updated fairly regularly.

“He did it.”

The words rang out over the empty planet as she stood over the Terran, who sat with the dust of another in his hands. Nebula sat down next to him, not knowing what to do.

What _was_ there to do?

Neither of them disappeared. So it was only the two of them, stranded on Thanos’ home planet. The last place in the universe she wanted to be.

 _Gamora is dead_.

She stared at the ground, unable to distinguish between the dirt and the dust of the dead. Not that it mattered. They were one and the same now.

They sat there in silence. She was dimly aware of the tears that ran down the Terran’s face as he kept it buried in his hand.

After a while, he shifted his position and immediately gave a low, involuntary groan as one hand flew to his waist. Her head jerked around reflexively and she stared at him, pain of not just grief written all over his face.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“The… the purple guy. He kind of stabbed me.” 

She frowned, wondering how fragile exactly Terran bodies were. Considering he had faced Thanos, it was probably a wonder he was still alive. “Are you going to die?”

He looked up, seemingly startled by the question. Then, to her considerable surprise, he smiled. It was weak but still… almost defiant. “Be a bit of a waste now, wouldn’t it?” As her face remained impassive, he shook his head a little even while running a finger over where the injury must be. “I managed to seal it. Kind of. But I’m not exactly in the clear. Probably should be in a hospital right about now. But…” He gestured around. “This place doesn’t really look like it’s got much in the way of healthcare, does it?”

“So what are you going to do?” 

He was about to answer, but then his face crumpled and he seemed to deflate. Nebula could almost see the life leaving him. “I don’t know.”

This man might die soon, Nebula realised. And he was on an unfamiliar planet very far away from home. And she was the only person there with him.

A part of her wondered whether she should just leave him. He was on his way out, anyway. Maybe even give him a merciful and short death. The way he had looked when that boy disappeared made her think he might appreciate it. But that part of her was engaged in a losing battle.

 _What would Gamora do_?

Nebula inhaled through her teeth.

“What’s your name?” she asked. In response to another look of surprise, she shrugged. “If we’re stuck in this dump together, I should probably know what to call you.”

The man managed another smile. “Stark. Tony Stark.”

“Which one of those should I use?”

A moment’s hesitation. “Tony. And what about you? What should I call you?”

“Nebula.”

“Nebula,” he repeated. “Right. Maybe I should…” He tried to straighten but then collapsed back, face deathly pale underneath all the grime.

“Don’t,” said Nebula instinctively, holding out a hand. She flexed her fingers and took a breath. If she was going to do this, she might as well do it properly. “The ship. Quill and - Quill’s ship. They must have arrived in it?”

The Terran - Tony - stared at her for a moment with an unreadable expression, then nodded. “Yeah. They got supplies from there. They hid it - so when we came, they - they hid it over there,” he said, pointing. “Past a ledge. Mind you, might be scrap metal by now considering Thanos was chucking moons about…”

“It’s a good ship,” said Nebula, able to admit that much. “Look. I can get you medical supplies from there. Quill, he’s - he was from Terra. That’s where you’re from, isn’t it?” Tony nodded again, wincing at every movement. “So I’m sure you’ll be able to use whatever they have.”

“You’d do that?”

Nebula bit at her already broken lip. Of course, she wouldn’t exactly look friendly to this Terran. Or anyone, really. “Yes. We’re stuck here together, remember?”

Tony kept staring at her. “Okay,” he said eventually. “Yeah. That’s - yeah. Thank you.”

Nebula looked away. “Whatever. Will you die before I get back?”

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the Terran smile. “I’ll try not to. Not that that means much these days… But I’ll manage.”

“Right. Stay here,” she said, standing up and feeling oddly sore herself. Her shoulders in particular… Well, probably aftereffects of her recent clashes with Thanos.

“Don’t have much of a choice,” muttered Tony and he closed his eyes, one hand still on the wound. Nebula looked down at him for a few seconds with a small scowl. She did wonder whether he would survive long enough for them to come back, but she couldn’t exactly think of another option. Besides, he seemed like the persistent type. The type that survived powered on by sheer stubbornness.

So she trotted off, hoping that the Terran would pull through.

* * *

It didn’t take long to reach the ship. She stared down at it, hidden only from a cursory glance of the planet’s surface. Trust Quill to not do a job properly even when the universe was at stake.

 _He’s dead now_.

She jumped down, bending her knees to absorb the shock of impact, and promptly toppled over. Getting her hands up in time to catch herself, her palms dug into the ground and small jagged stones bit into her hand like little teeth. Yet at that moment she felt her arms give way from under her so that to her considerable surprise she ended up falling onto her face with a dull crunch.

Her nose was now buried in the ground.

“ARGHHHHHH!”

She screamed. And inhaled a mouthful of dust and started coughing. She managed to raise herself onto her knees, everything _burning_ , and coughed again and then began to scream again. She bared her teeth at the sky and shouted curse words at the ship, in the vague direction of the Terran, at her stupid, _useless_ body, at the ground, at her sister…

She stopped and got up. The burning did not stop. And something about her vision… She reached up, her hands touching her face and she realised that the metal panel around her eye had come lose again. With her fist, she jammed it back in again.

Nebula hated everything.

And with every part of her body hating her back, she stomped to the entrance of the ship. Because she was going to save that stupid idiot of a Terran and get the hell off this rubbish planet whether he liked it or not.

She punched the button and the door slid open, allowing her to raise herself gingerly into the interior of the ship. Walking forward several steps, she looked around in an attempt to locate medical supplies.

And stopped.

The place reeked of Gamora. Her spirit filled every pore of the ship, from the sword that was tucked away in one corner to the strand of dark red hair at her feet to the seat where she would sit and lean back and pretend not to smile at the antics of her friends… And that jacket slung over the chest rammed against the wall and even a faint _smell_ and…

Nebula closed her eyes, trying to block it out. She had to get the aid kit. She couldn’t let the Terran die. He was the only one left.

She opened her eyes and grabbed the kit before leaving quickly. She didn’t look at anything else.

* * *

Tony was lying where she had left him. When she approached and he did not open his eyes, she began to worry that he had died in her absence. But the sound of her kicking over a stone as she got closer was sufficiently loud for him to open his eyes and look up at her. His eyes were red enough to make her uncomfortable. Had he been close enough to hear her scream? She didn’t think so.

“Got some medical stuff,” she said, covering the rest of the distance and crouching beside him.

“Great,” he said. “I need to get the rest of this suit off - one sec.” He gritted his teeth in evident concentration and tapped the blue thing on his chest. The red metal that had been covering parts of his body seemed to fold back into itself. “Can you help me up?”

Nebula grasped at his hand and pulled him up, making him gasp in pain. The rest of the metal folded itself into the blue triangular thing, seemingly disappearing into his chest. Nebula stared at it. Quill hadn’t given her the impression Terrans had technology this impressive.

But then she went about the task of patching him up. Removing the odd hardened sludge covering the wound, she used one of the devices from the aid kit to disinfect and stitch the wound. When she pressed the flat side against his skin and let it do most of the work, he groaned again. “Do you want something for the pain?”

Tony hesitated. “Is it safe for humans?”

“Quill seemed to be happy chugging the things for the most minor complaints.”

He chuckled but accepted the medication when offered. “Did you know Quill well?”

She shook her head. “I saw him a few times these past few years. But -“ She broke off, not willing to mention Gamora.

Tony didn’t push it, instead staring off in the distance like he was trying to get a handle of his thoughts too. After she had removed the device and sat back on the uneven ground, he shook his head. “What the hell am I meant to do now?” Grimacing, he let himself fall back against the rocks. “Maybe I should just stay here. It’s not too bad.”

They both looked out at the desolate wasteland.

* * *

“It doesn’t make any sense,” said Tony.

Nebula whipped her head up, the words breaking the silence they had settled into. Night was slowly falling on Titan and she wondered in a disinterested way whether there was anything still alive that might want to prey on them.

“What?”

“Strange,” he said.

She looked at him blankly. “What’s strange?”

Tony shook his head. “No… Doctor Strange. He was with me, another human.”

“The kid?”

Tony’s face spasmed and his hand flew up to his face, fingers covering his mouth. He closed his eyes before shaking his head again. “The other one. Goatee, cloak… Actually, kinda surprised that thing got dusted too.”

“What about him?”

His eyes focused on her again, almost startled. “Eh? Oh, yeah… He… Well, he gave Thanos the time stone. And then he says… what was it? _There was no other way_. What does that mean?”

“It means he was an idiot,” said Nebula harshly.

Tony did not look angry, instead looking off past Nebula at some point far away. “That’s the thing, though… Strange saw the future. Every version of the future. With the time stone.”

Nebula’s brow furrowed. The Terran had wielded an infinity stone with such skill?

“And then he gives Thanos the stone, and tells me that there wasn’t any other way. You don’t think… Doesn’t that - I don’t know, maybe this is all just me grasping at straws, but - Come on, there is something weird about that, isn’t there?”

Nebula wasn’t sure, and she wasn’t about to let any glimmer of hope enter her heart. There was no hope for her anyway. “So what does that mean?” she asked, mostly just humouring him.

When he looked at her again, there was a renewed toughness about him. An involuntary shiver ran through her as she waited for his answer.

“It means we have to get back to Earth.”

* * *

Tony slouched in the chair Drax usually took, white as a sheet and both hands clutched to his wound. He gave Nebula a feeble smile. “Nice ship.”

“It isn’t mine.”

“Shame we can’t use yours. Guess that’s what you get from flying it right at the big grape.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Nice move, that, by the by. The direct approach. Commendable.”

“I failed.”

“Join the club.” He took a deep breath. “Don’t suppose you know how to fly this… this spaceship?”

“I think it’s called the Benatar.”

“The…” Tony frowned. “Like the singer? Oh, yeah… That guy, Quill, he was from Earth. That’d explain it.”

“Yes.”

“Not much in the way of taste,” he muttered. “So, can you?”

“Yes.”

“Right. And can you get us to Earth?”

“Why would I want to go there?”

“Because…”

 _Because it’s my home_ , she thought he was going to say. But he didn’t.

“Because there’s people there who might be able to help.”

“Help with _what_?”

“Fixing this mess. Killing Thanos.”

Nebula’s jaw clenched. This man was delusional. “We can’t.”

“We will.”

“He’s won,” she said, not able to keep the sheer despair out of her voice. Its intensity surprised even her.

Tony shook his head. “We can still beat him.”

“Don’t you get it?” she asked. “He has all the stones! He’s done what he always wanted to do - he’s won!”

“Nobody wins for long,” said Tony grimly. “Maybe he won the battle but like hell am I going to let him win the war.”

“You’re just a Terran,” said Nebula, giving him her best dubious look. “What could you hope to do?”

A sparkle entered his eyes and she wondered for the first but certainly not last time what exactly it would take to keep this man down. “Plenty of people have underestimated me in the past. Let’s just hope they continue to do so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fic title comes from the Brockhampton song TEAM and chapter titles are named after specific songs.  
> Do please leave comments! Check out my [Tumblr](https://arimabat.tumblr.com) & thanks for reading!


	2. TRIP

It wasn’t like Nebula knew what else to do. It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go. And there was something about the Terran… Something that made her wonder whether he could actually stand up to Thanos. It was insanity, of course - he had barely survived, he was weak and he was hardly a match for the Mad Titan. But he also had a grit about him that she couldn’t help but respect, an intelligence that wove its way into his rambling way of speaking. So she agreed that they would go to Terra. And then…

She wondered whether they admired him, back on his world. He seemed like an easy man to admire.

They travelled in almost complete silence for what Quill’s technology informed them was the equivalent of a few Terran days, as Tony gradually recovered from the stab wound. They briefly shared their stories of their side of the fight against Thanos, mentioning none of their fellow combatants by name but instead focusing on Thanos and the stones. Maybe the Terran was coming up with a plan. Maybe they just needed someone to tell their failures. She didn’t know and besides, she was preoccupied herself - not with her feelings, which were far too overwhelming to begin to confront. But with her body, which ached and pained her in ways it was not meant to. She ended up taping her face just to stop it falling apart. And sometimes when she tried to lift something, her arms felt like they were going to drop off. Pain medications seemed to barely make a dent. She didn’t say anything to Tony - there wasn’t any point.

To her surprise, it was she who asked the first question. Because she couldn’t help but wonder.

She had just gone over the controls for the ship with him again, letting him understand some of the more complex aspects of navigation. When to make jumps, when to course correct. Now, she was changing his bandages, the slowly healing wound an unavoidable reminder of their last battle.

“That kid…” She tried to remember whether she had seen the expression on Tony’s face before, when the boy disappeared. And there was _something_ about it… “You were his father?”

She could feel his stomach muscles tense and could see him looking away out of the corner of her eyes. After a moment, he shook his head. Had she been wrong? “I was meant to take care of him.”

Not a father, then. But someone who _cared_. And now… “I’m sorry.” She applied disinfectant to the wound and picked up new bandages.

“So am I,” said the man heavily, whose face she could not see before he shook himself and looked back at her. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Did you… lose someone?” He frowned, remembering. “Your… Gamora?”

“My sister.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” said Nebula, echoing his words. She too frowned, balancing her curiosity against her unfamiliarity with sharing… well, anything. But she also knew that anything she found out about his life back on Terra could end up being useful.

 _Thanos taught you the value of knowledge_.

“Do you have anyone else? Back on your world?”

Tony nodded. “There’s a woman I love. She’s… she’s incredible,” he said, his expression softening and a smile appearing on his face as if by reflex. But it faded quickly as an edge of pain returned. “Of course, it’s pretty much a coin flip whether she’s alive or not…”

Nebula didn’t know what to say to that and finished wrapping him up in silence.

* * *

She let go off the gauze and it fell to the ground. With an involuntary grimace, she grasped at one arm with the other, trying to breathe.

“What is it?” asked Tony, instantly alert. He stared at her arms, then back up at her face. “What’s wrong?”

Something about trying to unfurl the gauze… Something about how she had tried to unwrap it and the way the muscles in her fingers had moved and how they all connected to each other in uneven ways, ever since Thanos… Why did it _burn_ so badly? _Why_?

“Nebula. Nebula, you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

She had been trying to help him with his injuries but now - Damnit. Why was it _this_ bad? “It’s nothing.”

“It clearly _isn’t_ nothing.” Tony was staring at her arms again and to her intense irritation she saw that they were shaking. “Is this from the battle?”

“No.”

“Then…”

“It’s nothing.”

“I heard you the first time,” said Tony sharply, eyes on the jumbled metal and skin of her arms. He stood up with only a small wince and moved his hands forward. She flinched back involuntarily and he paused, holding his palms up in a non-threatening gesture. “Let me take a look. I’ll be careful, I promise.”

“You’re a Terran.”

He raised his eyebrows. “So?”

“So what would you know about Luphomoid biology?”

“Is that what you are?”

“It’s what I was.” She scowled. “Once.”

There was a moment of silence before Tony shrugged. “Human. Luphomoid. Considering how you were able to treat me, I don’t think me taking a look will harm. Sit down here.”

She bristled at the order, yet ended up sitting down anyway.

Tony got some of the medical supplies, but instead of using one of the scanners he used some thin metal implements that Nebula could not help but eye nervously. Too many bad memories.

“Tell me if it hurts,” he said and began gently examining his arms, occasionally using some of the more advanced equipment Nebula had shown him how to use. Occasionally she gave a gasp of pain and he adjusted his tools. She wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking for, but he seemed to have narrowed in on several particularly painful areas.

Eventually he leaned back and gave out a low hiss.

She looked at him, trying to read his face. Not that she had to try hard - it was creased in obvious worry.

“I think this may be infected.”

“It’ll be fine.”

“I don’t think you understand,” said Tony, growing more agitated. “Whatever Thanos did to you, you weren’t… well, put back together again properly. I’m good with mechanics, less good with actual living skin, which you still have a lot of. And I’m especially _not good_ with alien biology I have no experience with. If the infection spreads and we don’t get back to Earth on time…”

No, that was ridiculous. “Thanos made me to be strong. I’ve survived far more than a little rust.”

“You don’t know what you were exposed to in the spaceship. Or on Titan. From what you said, the reality stone _took you apart_. If he didn’t reverse it properly…” Tony shook his head. “I know that you’re tough. But… everyone can get hurt, Nebula.”

“You think I’ll die?” The thought was shocking. And… And something else.

“I won’t let you,” he said, and as he stared at her his tone took on an odd urgency. “Do you understand? It won’t happen. Because I’ll figure something out.”

* * *

“What I wouldn’t give for some prednisone,” muttered Tony as he rifled through the medical supplies.

Nebula stared at her hands. The skin had thickened while she had slept in a way that couldn’t help but disconcert her. “What’s wrong with me?”

“I can’t be sure,” said Tony. “But at a guess, some kind of inflammation of the muscles and possible blood infection. Your… the metal parts, have they been loose for long?”

“Ever since Thanos used the stone on me.”

“So he uses this stone to… to take you apart. And then you’re whole again, but not properly?”

“Like nothing fits.”

Tony nodded, sitting down in front of her and holding out a packet of pills. “Remind me, what do these do?”

“They… they’re used for wounds. Encourage cellular regeneration.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound actively harmful.” She took them and he settled back in the chair with a sigh. “Which is _not_ usually how you should prescribe medication to your patients but then again…”

She swallowed them. “Are you a medic on your planet?”

Tony snorted. “I told you - I’m not great with biological stuff. Now, machines - give me some of those and I can work magic.”

Nebula gave him a sceptical look.

“Is it boasting if it’s the truth?” He grinned. “Anyway, you’ll definitely need to take it easy until we’re back on Earth. Thanos did quite the number on you.”

“He only did it to get at Gamora,” said Nebula without emotion.

Tony looked at her thoughtfully. “Can I ask you about something?”

She considered him for a few seconds before tilting her head in a non-committal gesture. Of course, he took it as an invitation.

“This…” He hesitated. “What he… Gamora.”

Nebula flinched, turning her head to stare out of the cockpit window into the expanses of space. Right now, there wasn’t much to do - just course correction before they could make their next leap. “What about her?”

“Is she… Thanos seemed upset about…”

“About killing her,” finished Nebula. “Not surprising. She’s his favourite daughter.”

Tony blanched, before frowning in that I’m-trying-to-figure-something-out way he had. “So… If she’s your sister, you’re… You’re Thanos’ daughter?”

She braced herself for the inevitable condemnation. “Yes.”

But he didn’t show any anger. Instead, he said, “Huh.” He nodded to himself. “That must have been a weird childhood.”

“He took me from my home when I was still young,” said Nebula, not quite sure why she was telling him this. “Told me that I would be one of the most feared warriors in the universe.”

“He sounds lovely,” said Tony dryly. “And were you always like - like this…” He trailed off, gesturing in the vague direction of all the different parts that made up Nebula before groaning, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “Sorry - sorry. Jeez, what the hell is wrong with me? That was incredibly - sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Nebula. She was a little perplexed by this outburst, for she was used to far harsher reactions than a little curiosity. She certainly hadn’t had people apologise this concertedly unless she was about to kill them. “I wasn’t always like _this_ ,” she said, using one arm to gesture at the other and wincing even at the small movement. “Thanos took me apart and put me back again. Again and again. So that I would be stronger.”

Tony closed his eyes briefly, looking a little sick. Though maybe that was just him still being rather low on blood. He opened them again and shook his head slowly. “Sure puts some perspective on _my_ issues,” he muttered. “Man… What a piece of shit.”

He was disgusted on _her_ _behalf_ , Nebula realised with a little start. Not _by_ _her_. This was… She averted her gaze, preferring to look at the nothingness of space than to deal with this messy Terran and his emotions that were all _wrong_ and directed at all the _wrong things_.

* * *

And soon, things took a turn for the worse.

It was the fatigue that really bothered her. Every movement became more than painful - it became tiring. She slept for far too long and whenever she walked even within the confines of the spaceship, she wanted to sleep again. Rashes spread across her left arm, a weird greenish colour that she had seen before but _never_ this bad. Food started becoming harder to get down. And she started getting scared.

Really scared.

And Tony was too, however much he might try to hide it. So as he gave her another batch of medication, even though she could see on his face that their supplies were running short, he gave her a grin. “Come on, smurfette,” he said. “We have to get back to my planet and figure out how to kill your dad.”

She didn’t know what he called her but it stirred something in her memory… Gamora’s man, the idiot Terran, had called her that. It probably meant something untranslatable to them.

 _He’s dead. They’re all dead_.

And soon, she might be too.

* * *

She woke up to a pale light behind her, where Tony was very much not sleeping. He didn’t seem to do much of that which was probably bad given his own fragile body, but she was too preoccupied with her own pain to care. With difficulty and rapid breaths, she got up and walked over to the light.

Tony sat there with an odd jumble of tool kits and the aid kit and some other stuff she didn’t even recognise, tinkering or… something as he connected what looked like a thin tube to what she thought might be pieces of his suit.

“What are you doing?”

He looked up sharply, somehow having failed to hear her approach. “Didn’t know you were awake,” he said with a grin, before gesturing at all his junk. “When drugs fail you, figure out overly complex alternative solutions is my motto. Catchy, right? I’m thinking that if I can build something that interacts with the non-biological parts of your arms, I can figure out a way to filter the pathogens in your blood. Clean it, in a sense. Hopefully, that’ll keep the infection at bay.”

“You can do that?” asked Nebula, who was growing steadily more impressed by this odd Terran in spite of herself.

He shrugged. “I’ll only know that if I’ve tried. But I have studied quite a lot of medical technology on Earth and it’s not like something like this hasn’t been done before. All right, maybe not like _this_ exactly…” He hummed to himself as he continued to work. “That being said, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to discriminate between pathogens so if you know whether anything like that is absolutely vital for your survival for some wacky alien reason, now might be the time to bring it up.”

She stared at him blankly. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, well. It is unlikely, all things considered.” He looked up again, his expression now tinged once more with worry. “You should lie down. Don’t expend your energy.”

“I don’t want to lie down.”

“Yeah, well, I’d rather not be stuck in a spaceship in the middle of nowhere as the apocalypse unfolds around us. But we can’t all get what we want, can we?”

* * *

 It was a little strange to her, that some human could know pain as well as he did. So as they travelled she watched him. As he tended to her growing wounds even while his own slowly healed, she watched him.

“Not much further,” he said again and again. And then he gave her a smile that she had learned to appreciate despite herself.

By the time they reached a trading planet, she was in no condition to go out. So, despite her protestations, she ended up agreeing to letting him go alone with a bunch of very detailed instructions. And then she waited and shivered and the shivers grew worse as she suddenly felt very, very cold and the sweat trickled over her and she felt her eyes grow wet and she curled up tight, hoping that the stupid Terran would return soon and hating herself for being this pathetic.

When he came back, he dropped everything to tend to her and even as they started flying again he wrapped her in a blanket and put the heater close to her and told her everything was going to be fine and gave her new medication.

It was only later that she realised Tony had just been on a planet that had lost half its people.

* * *

And as she lay there, barely conscious, he talked to her. He talked and he talked and he talked, simply to distract her from the never ceasing pain. And she grasped on to every word, however stupid and meaningless.

He told her of Terra. He told her of its cities and its oceans and its farms. He told her of his tower (did many Terrans have _towers_?) and of his house in a place called California and of the Avengers base in ‘upstate New York’ (he must know all these locations were meaningless to her). And he told her of the Avengers - of Thor (whom she had heard of) and of the others (whom she hadn’t). He told her of how they had come together to fight in New York - this story she knew a little of. She remembered its perpetrator and on a particularly bad night (of course night was a meaningless term in space but it was when she _should_ have slept) she screamed at him how about how it was her fault, how she had helped to break the man who had wreaked such havoc, how Tony shouldn’t be so stupid as to help her or she would do as the Asgardian had done… For everything Thanos touched was broken - indisputably, irrevocably broken - and anyone who said otherwise was just fooling themselves.

But he gently patted her forehead with a cool towel and his expression was odd but far from hostile. Somehow, for some absurd reason, he had not yet left her.

So he continued talking. He told her of the robot who was meant to protect the world but almost helped end it. How it had been his fault. And he spoke fondly of another robot, one whom he had given the mind of his friend. Maybe this was why he did not desert her, she thought. Maybe he saw her as just another metal creation.

She was grateful for it.

And soon, he spoke of the people closest to him. He told her of the woman he loved, of her wit and her intelligence and her bravery. Of the time he had made her fancy cookies and to her shock they hadn’t been too bad ( _So maybe I built this amazing machine that baked them for me, but still I think that one counts as a win._ ) and of the time she had forgotten he was still in the office and had been shocked to find out he’d been sitting there quietly for hours ( _She runs the company but mostly I just enjoyed watching her chew through pencils._ ) and of how right before everything went to hell, he had had a dream of her being pregnant with their child…

And he spoke of his best friend. A soldier ( _The only one who isn’t an unbearable git, dunno how he managed that._ ) who wore a suit like Tony’s ( _Probably the better flier but don’t tell him I said so._ ) and how brilliant he was and how he shouldn’t have wasted so much time with the damn military ( _I mean, come on! He’s way too good for them._ ) and how he was usually all serious and controlled but once he got a little drunk it was a different story ( _And I happen to be rather good at getting him drunk_ , the words accompanied by a mischievous grin). And how he had needed prosthetics after a fight with other Avengers… His expression grew grimmer than usual as he explained how they had fought over something called the Sokovia Accords and how it had all ended in a big mess. Then he shook his head and told her that there probably wasn’t any point in thinking about any of this before they got back to Earth, since they couldn’t begin to imagine what awaited them anyway…

* * *

The fever burnt through her, replacing the cold with an awesome intensity that terrified her. And her grasp on her sanity grew ever more tenuous, and her thoughts turned in a darker direction.

“Leave me,” she moaned. “You need - you need the food, you need to get to your home so you can defeat Thanos, you don’t need me.”

“You think I’d throw you out?” asked Tony with a lightness that was far too forced. “We’re getting there together or not at all.”

He was fiddling around with what looked like a small vial, but her vision was too blurred to make out anything specific. She couldn’t stop her natural suspicion from flaring. “What is that?”

He followed her gaze and the corners of his mouth twitched. “Something far too important to play around with. Now rest, Nebula. I’m going to make sure we get to Earth and get help for you. I promise.”

* * *

“We’re close now,” said Tony.

It would take death itself to prevent her from showing her scepticism. Which might not be a problem soon enough.

“Seriously. We’re in the solar system and with this beauty of a ship -“

She groaned.

“It _is_ a beautiful ship, Nebs. Honestly, you wouldn’t recognise art if it were named after a crappy singer and had faulty engines that almost combusted three times on the way.”

“Three?”

“Ah, that last one was… Well, doesn’t matter. Because we are in orbit! Man, ringing up Houston to say that we are _all_ the problems they could possibly - breathe, Nebula, can you hold the towel yourself?”

Nebula’s hand had almost slipped but she raised it again a little with a raspy breath.

“Right, sent out that signal and figure out where… Man, you’d think after everything people would pay attention to messages from mysterious aircrafts, eh? We’re gonna need to get you to a hospital ASAP but I’d very much _prefer_ not to be shot down in the process. Come on, you’ve got this. Stay calm.”

Who was that directed at? She tried to swallow some spittle but gagged on it instead.

Tony was standing over her as if by teleportation and patted her back. “Come on. Breathe. Breathe.”

“Easier” - she coughed - “said than done.”

He grinned at her. “Good point. Be right back.” He went back to the controls.

“Has anyone answered?”

“No - wait, yes. Yes! Oh.”

“Oh?” A beat. “Tony, _what do you mean_?”

“Huh? No, it’s not… It’s good. It’s Wakanda. Right, right, just replying and then -“

“Wak - Wakanda?”

“Yeah. Small place, shitload of vibranium which is basically like real world unobtainium.” His gaze flickered back to a nonplussed Nebula. “Like a really special metal. Plus they have a king who runs around in a cat suit - long story. And we’ve also had some rather interesting revelations about them recently so if anyone can help… Well, we’ve been cleared for landing there so that’s what we’ll do.”

It was happening. They were actually there.

“Can you… Can you see anything down there?”

Tony didn’t reply for a moment. Then - “Apparently we have to land outside the border. Pain in the ass but bureaucrats gonna bureaucrat, apocalypse or not.”

This wasn’t an answer.

Her muscles spasmed and as they did so, the screeching of metal grinding against bone threatened to deafen her, ringing around her skull and pressing against her from the inside like it wanted to push out her nose. The changing pressure? But it shouldn’t - the ship was -

She screamed. And kept screaming and she couldn’t hear Tony as every second stretched itself to hell, her skin feeling like it was about to rip. And then Tony was there with his hands held over her but not touching her, which she was incredibly grateful for -

And now other people were standing over her as she kept screaming until she’d screamed herself out, until she felt her body being carried away and she could imagine them holding a knife to her and cutting away at what remained at her and how it would be like with each of her parts separate but that would at least release her - here, there was no release. Until the Terran sun hit her and it became flashes of light and people and metal and nothing definite, never anything that made sense. Until it all blurred into one whirl of meaninglessness.

And eventually, she just submitted to the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all just nicely depressing, isn't it? Do please leave comments!


	3. WASTE

“We need to get her to Shuri.”

“More beads here, come on Z’Bwire -“

“She doesn’t have time for this.”

“She’ll _make_ time for this.”

“Not that we know how serious this temperature is.”

“You better get your best people on this. She’s - Look, she’s important. You’ll _need_ her help.”

“Help with _what_?”

“Shuri says to take her to her lab.”

“This is insane, she’s -“

“ _Back off_ , all of you! Anyone who’s not a medic, get away _now_! Except for Stark - tell us everything you know about her biology. Come on, hurry it up!”

* * *

And then nothing. Only drops. Dreams. Memories and reality fading into each other, being tossed together and fracturing like so many wisps of smoke. All veiled in pain, sometimes more and sometimes less. And there was no telling them apart. Except by using her own reasoning - and that wasn’t really at its most reliable at the moment.

* * *

“You have to learn to be more precise,” said Gamora.

“I _am_ precise.’

“Are you? Do you know where to cut him so he slowly bleeds out in the agony he is meant to endure? Or are you letting him die quickly on purpose?”

“I - That’s not -“

“Don’t lie to me, Nebula. And don’t even bother trying to lie to Father. Do you have to show all your emotions like that? Stop with the scowl - it shows how vulnerable you are. Learn to hide it. Or better yet - don’t feel at all.”

* * *

“How is she?”

Everything throbbed. She should be used to pain, by now, yet it still managed to cloud her mind.

Was this real? With the pain more vivid than it would otherwise be, perhaps…

She tried to concentrate on who was speaking.

“Your friend is very close to being dead,” said another voice. She thought it might belong to a woman. “It is hard to know how to treat an alien… But the main thing is that we need to fight the infection.”

“Can you do it?”

“I do not know. But it is lucky that you brought her to me. I’ll do my best, I promise.”

* * *

“After Xandar, you are going to kill my father?”

“You dare to oppose me?”

Of course, he did not know how long she had been dreaming of this moment.

“You see what he has turned me into.”

* * *

What he had turned her into… Metal and skin and nothing fit because nothing ever did. And now it would all burst into flames and turn into ash. As all the others had.

* * *

“You should have killed me.”

“It would have been a waste of parts.”

What a feeble taunt, considering they both knew she had outlived her usefulness. Not like Gamora. Gamora, who had had so much more to give.

And then finding out…

They had both gone to Vormir. Only one returned.

It should have been Nebula. It always should have been Nebula.

* * *

“Do you really think you can kill him?”

Nebula bared her teeth. “You are not the only one who can fight.”

“That’s not what I meant. But Thanos…” Gamora shook her head. “I don’t know whether any of us can do it.”

“You want to let him win?”

“No,” she said. “No, of course I don’t. But I think we both know that that isn’t what this is really about. Is it, Nebula?”

* * *

“We have to remove them. There’s no other way to save her.”

“You - are you sure?”

“ _Yes_ , I’m sure. Now back off and let me do my work.” A beat. “This is our best option. Just… I know what I’m doing.”

* * *

And there was the Terran again and they were on the spaceship again and she was sick and he tended to her even as he steered them closer to his home.

“We have to get back to Earth,” he said again and again and again. “Then we’ll figure out a way to fix this.”

Fix what? Her? The universe? His pain? It was always something different. Just… Fix.

She looked up at him, the fever loosening her tongue. “You’re scared of arriving on Terra. Of seeing who’s left.”

Tony’s eyes met hers and a single tear trickled down his cheek. “What if I’m the only one?”

“Half will still -“

He broke her off with a shake of the head. “I can’t stop thinking… What if all my friends are dead? I remember seeing it, years ago…” He grimaced and closed his eyes even as she struggled to understand what he meant. “I’m a survivor,” he whispered, quiet enough that Nebula struggled to hear the words. “But what if I don’t want to be that any more?”

_He understands_ , she realised.

That was one of the few times he cried in front of her. Mostly, he did it when he thought she was sleeping. He liked burying his face in his hands, like he could hide from the universe. She wondered why he was fighting so hard to get back home when he was so desperate to hide.

* * *

“I hope you don’t mind if I sit here.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks.”

“How are things with Rogers?”

“Not… It’s a mess, of course. And the ones who have left…”

“You’ve brought new hope. They needed that.”

“Makes me wonder how bad things were before I got here.”

A mirthless laugh. “Hell. It was hell.”

* * *

She showed him how to pilot the ship and he learned quickly, showing a natural talent for its controls that she wouldn’t have thought possible from a Terran.

“This. Is. Incredible,” said Tony, a grin spreading on his face as he gazed at the dashboard with rapt fascination. “Shouldn’t even be excited any more, should I? Still, the only space travel I ever got to see before two weeks ago was rainbow beams and giant portals in the sky.”

Nebula watched him, thinking how strange all this must be to Terra’s people. How quickly things must have changed for that former backwater, suddenly exposed to the madness of the wider universe.

And now…

* * *

“Shuri, Okoye’s asking for you.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“It’s… it’s serious.”

“What happened?”

“Someone shot down an outward-bound jet.”

A low hiss. “ _Who_?”

“I don’t know. But people are going to want a response. Either way.”

“Right. I’m leaving. Eh, Nakia… Can you stay here for a bit? Just make sure her temperature doesn’t rise any more.”

“Shuri…”

“I know you don’t have time for this… But I can’t let her die. Please.”

A beat.

“Fine. Go on, I’ll make sure nothing happens.”

* * *

“What was it like, down there?”

Tony’s face was grimmer than ever. “Chaos. It was - But I managed to snatch what we needed.”

“How?”

“I improvised.”

She had no clue what that meant.

* * *

“Have you ever thought what it would be like?”

“What _what_ would be like?’

“If he won.”

Gamora stared at her and Nebula realised she still could not read any emotions on her face that Gamora didn’t want her to see. After all this time.

“Is it really that easy for you to forget -“

“Yes.”

“What?”

“I have thought about it. But I know that I can’t go with you.”

“You said -“

“I know what I said. But… There’s something else.”

“What?”

“I can’t say.”

* * *

And then she did.

“He’s finally ready and he’s going for the stones. All of them.”

“He can never get them all.”

“He will!”

“He can’t, Nebula. Because I found the map to the soul stone and I burned it to ash. I burned it.”

* * *

And now _she_ was burning up and she would become ash like the map. The map that Thanos had never needed because Gamora… _Why_ would she do something like that?

“Her temperature’s spiralling again.”

_I know_.

“Shuri, what are you going to do? You’ve already…”

_He has to die_.

“I think she can survive it.”

_I have to kill him_.

“ _Have you felt her_?” The voice sounded agitated. “Any hotter and she’ll quite literally burst into flames!”

“That won’t be happening. But right now… I’m going to send the heat where it needs to go.”

* * *

“Why don’t you ever talk about him?”

“About who?”

“The boy you held in your arms. When he… went.”

She could see the deep abyss of sadness from only a blurry look at his face. “Because if I start talking, I might remember how much I failed him. I’ll remember the call I need to make when we get back. And if I do that, I’ll start screaming. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop. That’s why I need to find a way to fix this. That’s why I _will_ find a way.”

“What if you’re wrong?” she asked.

“About what?”

“About Strange. About what Thanos did. What if there is no undoing it?”

“Then…” Something dark glittered in Tony’s eyes and he took a deep breath before answering. “I don’t know about you, but I want him to pay for what he did. And even if I can’t make it right, I’ll get my revenge. Or I’ll die trying.”

* * *

“Oh no,” he said. “You do _not_ get to die on me.” He applied the towel with the ice pack, holding it to her forehead, but didn’t remove his hand. Like he thought that if he held her, it would be impossible for her to slip away.

“What’s in the vial you have?” she asked, her mouth slurring even this short question.

He looked confused for a moment but then snorted. “Oh. That. It’s probably nothing.”

She coughed. “Humour me.”

A roll of the eyes. “Fine, fine.” He stood up and walked to something out of Nebula’s line of sight as she stared at the ceiling, the pain ebbing and flowing irregularly but never quite going away. Always surprising her, testing her. It was almost too much to bear to wait, but Tony returned, holding the small vial so that she could see. Not too close, she noticed.

“ _All this for a drop of blood_ , Thanos said. That’s as far as I ever got. Now, me being the genius I am, the moment Thanos decided to beam himself up I used my amazing tech to collect the blood on my weapon in this. It’s barely even a drop, but…”

Nebula frowned at him although even the muscles in her forehead didn’t feel up to the task. Whatever she had been expecting, it wasn’t this. “What do you want to do with that?”

“I don’t know. Hopefully something brilliant. But blood’s great, isn’t it? So many interesting things you can find out from DNA. Plus, at this point I would be surprised if wacky blood magic _weren’t_ a thing with some weird sorcerer’s union. Whatever they have these days. And I _have_ to explore all options.”

“And you’ll kill him?”

Tony grinned at her, dabbing gently with the towel. “Unless you call dibs?”

If she survived. But she nodded. “I need to do it.”

“Then you will. You’ll kill him. And I’ll give you the tools to do so.”

* * *

And then everything stilled. Crystallising into one memory, clear and vivid. Like she was there. But she wasn’t - she knew that now.

She entered the room where she slept. Calling it home felt too generous a word. There was nothing there that felt like it was hers, nothing that showed any sign that something might live beneath the shell of metal and stitched up skin.

Thanos loves all his children. But how can a tool be a child?

Nebula stepped forward, leaning down so that her her hand brushed against the familiar rough surface of her grey, somewhat stained blanket. She shifted her sore hips to sit down on the bunk. Her fingers clasped around the metal, the contact making a small clinking sound that served as a reminder. Always there were reminders.

It was all so clear. All so distinct. The dark red top, sleeveless and clinging to her silhouette and the black trousers that might have melted against her skin. It had been hot and humid outside and her clothes stuck to her even tighter with a sheen of sweat serving as adhesive, but in here it was almost chilly, the air sterile and cold.

They had both been instructed to spy on the ambassador. For Thanos’ next move - that was all they knew. They had been mere shadows, making their way quickly and surely as they had darted and weaved through the streets.

She sank to her knees, off the bunk and onto the stone floor, the air pressing against her bare scalp and worming its way into her eye sockets, designed so that they pressed her eyes into place. They weren’t designed to let out tears. And she didn’t cry.

It all had happened in a flash - looking around, meeting the eyes of a young girl, face round and pudgy and full of an innocence life would tear from her soon enough. And her mother had been next to her and they had both been watching as the ambassador drew past, but now the girl would not watch any more because she had looked at Nebula.

And the girl had screamed.

She bent forwards, fingers finding the hard stone as her eyes ran along every crack, looking straight down with her back parallel to the ceiling. She saw the shadow she made, the shadow that the body that was hers and not hers made.

It had ruined everything. Gamora had not spoken a word to her the entire trip back. She had been as blank-faced as ever, even though she must have known what was coming. But Gamora never seemed to care, these days. Certainly not about Nebula. Never about Nebula.

She rested her palms against the stone, feeling how solid it was. Unbreakable.

He hadn’t been angry. Not exactly. Instead, he had appeared almost amused. He had come as close as he ever did to laughing when he had remarked that she was growing useless as a spy, that he would have to rely more on Gamora. What a shame it is, really. Luphomoids could be so pretty, he had said. But it had been necessary. All of it. Still, that didn’t mean she could escape punishment. She had cost him dearly.

Her fingers curled as she pressed them against the stone, digging in with all her strength, not caring about her blisters and her bones complaining and her weary muscles. She pressed ever harder.

Gamora had left. She did not even care enough to watch Nebula suffer. So be it. Nebula was on her own.

She felt the stone yield. Felt it compress slightly, felt it give way.

Thanos would pay for this.

She was aware of her body, aware of everything he had taken. She knew no other life than this one, where even solid stone was no match for her. He had made her into a weapon. He had made her into a monster, like he himself was. So be it. That would be his mistake, creating a creature that was as vicious, as twisted as he was. He would pay for this.

She drew back her fingers, which were even sorer now. She had made an indentation in the stone. Each finger had left a mark, the only thing in this room that was truly her own. Prints in the floor. She felt the light scratching at her back, exposing her every deformity to anyone who would care to watch. But no one _cared_ enough to do so.

They would all pay for this. Gamora, who had stood by, would suffer by her hand. All Thanos’ other servants she would dispose of with relish. But her true ire, the truest extent of her rage was saved for Thanos. He would know pain like no being had ever known pain before. She would destroy him.

* * *

Nebula woke up again. She saw the ceiling and it was all unfamiliar and…blank. It scared her, lying there entirely helpless and she tried to sit up.

“Don’t!”

Hands were pushing her down and even though they were gentle, Nebula had to resist the urge to tear them off. She looked up at her assailant to see a young woman - Terran, with dark skin and a lot of hair that was tied back and glittering eyes. The woman smiled at her, yet it looked more than a little forced.

“You need to lie back down. It’s a wonder you’re awake at all - your fever did not break long ago.”

“My… fever?”

“We ended up deciding to let it run its course so that it could kill the infection. But it very nearly killed _you_.”

Nebula tried to prop herself up on her arms, but to her horror found that both of them were _missing_. She still felt something and she stared as if maybe they were somehow hidden… But there was nothing. “What did you _do_?” she said, a deadly rage rising within her. If this girl thought she was powerless without -

“We had to contain the damage,” said the woman, not sounding scared. “I _am_ sorry, but there was no other way. Your friend Stark would have done it far earlier, but he did not have the equipment we do.”

There was something there. “Stark…?” She remembered the man - _Tony_ \- all fast talking and fast thinking and somehow still alive after fighting Thanos… “He’s… Where is he? What have you done to him?”

“We’ve done nothing _to_ him,” said the Terran. “He brought you to us. He’s currently meeting with the Avengers.”

“The…” It was a familiar name, by now. “So we made it. Back to his home.” The memories were slowly coming back.

“Yes, you did.” She held out a cup of water. “You need to drink something. May I…”

Nebula hesitated, not trusting this stranger one bit. But if Tony really _had_ brought her to them… Of course, that could be a lie. Yet she knew from experience that forcing unwinnable battles was hardly wise. Best play along. For now.

She nodded, the coarseness of her throat registering consciously for the first time while her neck ached with even the slight movement.

The woman held the cup to her mouth and slowly poured the liquid in. It was an awkward position to drink in, her neck barely raised and her back straining to support her core, but she cared little. Her lips felt rejuvenated with each droplet that hit them and she gulped greedily, always wanting more. She ended up finishing the whole cup quickly, with the woman’s help.

Reaching for a pitcher standing on a table next to Nebula’s bed, the woman refilled the cup while smiling again at her, a little more naturally this time. “My name is Shuri. You will be able to rest here in Wakanda until you are better. Do you understand?”

“Shuri,” she repeated, before accepting the new water. As she drank, she seemed to remember Tony mentioning something about Wakanda. One of Terra’s people, she thought. They had so many. “I need to be at this meeting. With the… the Avengers.”

Shuri shook her head. “There will be plenty of other meetings for you to attend. Right now, I need you to rest.”

“No,” said Nebula, growing frantic. “I don’t have time to rest! I need to - I need to kill Thanos.”

“You’re still in a delicate condition,” said Shuri. “The infection is not yet gone and your left leg is still in danger, as are several of the nerves in your occipital area. Your _life_ is still in danger. The fever has left you weak and vulnerable towards new infections, which makes it crucial that you stay here where you are less exposed while you heal. Do you understand?”

Nebula wanted to protest, wanted to stand up and run to wherever this meeting was and tell them how _important_ it was that they find Thanos, that they find him quickly and that they kill him.

But a wave of fatigue crushed into her and she sank back slowly, her head resting against something very soft. A… pillow? All this… this softness, it wasn’t something she was used to and it was discomforting and made her uneasy even as it seemed to dampen her will to fight and the desire - the _need_ \- to rest became ever more overpowering and… Just a few hours. Just a… She could wake up soon. And then she would kill Thanos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being posted later than intended due to the temporary unavailability of wi fi. Comments appreciated!


	4. STAINS

The room was dark when she woke up the next time.

Not entirely dark. There were glimmers - just faint little sparkles and trickles of light - she could make out from the corners of her eyes. Shapes of lighter greys on black. And she lay there, letting the blackness envelope her. Feeling it press against her outline.

Feeling it press tighter.

For several minutes, she lay there. As she felt the darkness impinge ever more and more on her senses. It wasn’t just nothingness any more, instead acquiring a presence of its own. Creeping up on her. It was oppressive in the way it slowly sank into her. Pushed her. Felt her.

And to her disbelief…. a shiver of fear ran down her spine before it stiffened, perhaps in disgust at her. Because here she was, a warrior and -

What was that?

This is was stupid, there was nothing there. Just shapes and grey matter and nothing but where she was because -

Where was she?

She wriggled around a bit - and it was at that point that she remembered that she had no arms.

And - what was that? In the corner there? Was something moving?

What - What if Thanos had decided to skip the wait and just come for her?

What if he was the shadow?

Because his favourite child was dead now and what was she if not… a useless piece of junk and he would come and kill her and end this because he had all the stones and he had succeeded and he hated her, a useless tool he had never grown to love because she wasn’t Gamora and she wasn’t anything and she came from nowhere and nothing and now she would return to nowhere and nothing - And why would he let her live if _she_ was dead? And… She started breathing more heavily because that shadow did look just a little purple and what if he… She couldn’t defend herself!

And she was all alone - or was she? - and no one else was there - or were they? - and she had _no arms_.

She screamed.

It was shrill and terrible and an incredibly familiar sound but this time there was no real cause and her throat was so very dry and it didn’t come out very loud. So she tried harder because maybe someone could come and stop the shadow - but what if Tony came and then Thanos stabbed him again? Was her screaming going to kill him? Or one of the Wakandans - was she dooming them? All she could bring was death - But she couldn’t stop herself because she was breathing so heavily and she really needed someone and now her arms were all itchy even though there was _nothing there_ and she screamed and screamed and screamed and tried so hard to make the sound so loud and less hoarse.

The lights flickered on and someone rushed to her bedside. It was a woman - but not Shuri. This one had shorter hair and she moved in a quick and confident manner. There was something tough about her Nebula recognised and understood instantly, and yet there were also deep shadows under her eyes.

Maybe she had been sleeping.

But Nebula didn’t focus on that for long as her head whipped back to the corner where she had seen something.

There was nothing there.

She felt foolish and abruptly stopped screaming even before the new woman opened her mouth.

“What’s wrong?” asked the Terran.

Nebula shook her head, and realised that her face was wet. She was… How could she be this _deficient_?

“Does something hurt?”

A lot of things did hurt and her missing arms were still itching, but she shook her head again, the embarrassment burning in her.

“Do you want something to drink?” asked the woman, sounding calm like she hadn’t just been woken by an alien she didn’t even know screaming her soul out.

That sounded good. She nodded.

The woman got her another cup and Nebula raised herself slightly so the woman could pour it through her lips.

When she was finished, Nebula cleared her throat with only a little pain. “Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She pulled up a chair next to where Nebula was propped on her pillow. “Do you want to sit up?”

“Yes.”

The woman helped her sit up and lean against her pillow, everything a little awkward without her arms to rely on. But they managed and after a moment they were sitting next to each other in the now lighted room.

She hadn’t gotten much of a good look at it last time. But now she was a little more lucid and her gaze travelled around it. The bed leaned against a wall of a blue-greyish tint covered with an odd hexagonal pattern. They were in some sort of a chamber that was barely half-closed, leading out either side to a larger room with a dark floor, blue screens not far in the distance and the occasional splash of colour and pattern that was probably art unfamiliar to her. The occasional blank workplace table, rectangular and similar to a smaller one that had been pulled next to her bed. That itself was smooth, with weird blue symbols spiralling of the edges. She wanted to feel it with her fingers but realised she could not, instead let the soles of her bare feet scrape against it. A rubbery substance. Craning her head, she could just about see a circular pathway leading up and out of wherever this was.

The woman had been watching her. When Nebula once again focused on her, she spoke.

“I am Nakia,” she said, “Your name is Nebula, right?”

“Yes.”

“How are you feeling, Nebula?”

“I’m fine,” she said before staring at where her arms should be. “My arms itch.”

Nakia’s gaze flickered to Nebula’s waist. “I’m sure that’s normal, but you’d better consult Shuri on that.”

“You are not a medic?”

She shook her head with a smile. “Regrettably not, no.”

“Yet you came when I…” When she screamed.

“This is Shuri’s lab. She wanted to wait for you to wake up again but I told her to get some sleep. So I’ve been keeping watch.”

“Then this is not a hospital.”

Nakia shook her head again. “Considering the extent of your injuries and the risk of new infection, we decided you needed some special care.”

Or maybe the other patients would be too unnerved by Nebula. Not that she could blame them.

She realised something all of a sudden. “The people here. In… Wakanda.” She paused, not quite sure how to put this. “Are half of them…”

“Gone, yes,” said Nakia, finishing the sentence. “I wasn’t here when it happened. But of course, it happened everywhere. Not hard to figure out that something was wrong.” She looked grim, now, and Nebula knew how much pain it must have caused the people here. And all because…

Because Gamora had wanted to save her life.

She closed her eyes, emotions threatening to overwhelm her. It felt like she’d managed to suppress all of this for that entire crazy trip back but now… Now she was here and she was still alive. And half the universe wasn’t because her sister was an _idiot_ who couldn’t let her die.

She really, really didn’t want to look weak.

Something touched her shoulder and she opened her eyes to the shocking sight of Nakia putting her hand on Nebula’s shoulder. Because that was what people did when others were in pain. They reached out, thinking physical contact was something comforting. Not realising… not realising how intimately associated it was with pain.

The Terran looked at her in a kindly manner that was entirely disorientating to Nebula, more so than the odd room they were in. “If you want to talk…”

“What is there to talk about,” said Nebula, voice even more hollow than usual. “I need to kill Thanos.” She nodded to herself. “The Avengers… When is their next meeting?”

“You still need to rest.”

“I _need_ to fight.”

“But you can only fight if you have rested,” said Nakia in an all too reasonable tone. “And that will take some time.”

She bit back a sob that got stuck somewhere in her throat and almost made her gag. It was _so_ frustrating: she didn’t have time for this, she needed to - “He did this on purpose,” she said with sudden certainty.

“Who?” asked Nakia obligingly, yet in a way that suggested she was wary of the response.

“Thanos. He - he made me, he must have known if he uses the reality stone and I am not put together again correctly, it would weaken me. Maybe he even infected me on purpose, hope that I’d die - I am not _meant_ to get infected, I am not _meant_ to be this _weak_ -“

“Nebula,” interrupted the Terran, with an odd sternness to her expression. “Breathe.”

She registered the familiar surging panic and took several deep breaths, but it felt like her body didn’t want to take in any air because everything was tight and restricted. She clenched her teeth out of pure irritation, which didn’t ease the breathing but somehow sucking in air and feeling it worm its way through her teeth helped. The air here was kind of clean, she realised, not at all like the musty stench of the spaceship she had gotten so used to.

It helped. She was in control again.

“Better?” asked Nakia.

“Yes.”

“More water?”

“Yes,” she repeated, the continued croakiness of her voice registering in the back of her mind. And then, when the Terran had already moved to get something, she quietly added, “Please.”

Nakia returned and helped her with the water. A little trickled down her chin and dropped onto the sheets. It was the first time she noticed that she was no longer dressed in her own clothes. Instead, in a white nondescript gown of some kind.

A light smile. “Sorry about that.” She picked up a tissue from the table next to the bed and wiped away the water.

“Where am I?” said Nebula, her voice a little less hoarse. “You said… a lab?”

The thought suddenly sent a shiver of panic through her. Labs… people did experiments in those, cut away at creatures to figure out how they worked… Was that what they intended for her? Her wild eyes tried to get a better look at the Terran, _needing_ to know whether -

“Not a lab for people,” said Nakia, as if she had read her mind. “Shuri mostly studies chemicals and machines and fancy equipment, but sometimes when a special case comes to us, she helps take care of them.”

“Is that what I am? A special case?”

“You’re certainly one of the more unusual guests Wakanda has had,” came the even response. And, with a certain conviction, she went on - “You don’t need to worry about your care here. I know you have no reason to believe me, but Shuri has been trying to help you as best she can.”

“To _help_ can have many meanings,” said Nebula, summoning some resolve herself to signal to this woman that she would _not_ be a pushover, even in this state… She had to be prepared. Whatever happened.

Nakia, however, simply considered her with mingled sadness and concern. “I don’t know what you’ve come to expect from… well, from people. But we _have_ taken care of you.”

“And you took my arms in the process.”

“We didn’t have any choice in that, if we wanted to save your life.”

“How convenient, that it’d make me defenceless in the process.”

She inclined her head. “Your suspicious are probably justified. I can hope that we’ll earn your trust. Over time.” Again, the small smile. “For now, you asked me where you were. Do you want me to show you what lies outside these walls? Outside the lab?”

Nebula hesitated, then nodded.

_Thanos taught you the value of knowledge._

“Then let me show you what Wakanda looks like.”

Nakia walked off a short distance before returning, rolling a chair in front of her - dark and with two big wheels on either side. In response to a small gesture, Nebula sat up further and was helped by the Terran into this contraption, muscles still terrifyingly weak. Nakia moved behind her and rolled her forwards down a small slope so that they exited the inner chamber and onto the smooth blackness of the floor outside, her gaze taking in the stone walls and the screens with shifting red lights and the odd artefacts of various hues and sizes on the lab’s assorted surfaces and the bright lamps overhead shaped in unfamiliar ways.

There was something terribly humiliating about it - to rely on another even to move. Nebula hated it.

But then, the windows caught her eyes. And as Nakia rolled her forwards towards them, Nebula could not help but let out a small gasp.

They were in some sort of a cavern, or perhaps in a mountain, for the rock walls stretched outside. Bathed in an eery blue light, she could make out a bright collection of lights below. Some sort of pathway, with white lamps on either side, moving back and forwards. And then - a sort of train shooting through it at a remarkable speed.

Nakia took her closer to the window, so that she could see where the trains slowed down, looping around a large and jagged stone. She could see far down below where more lights congregated, light blues and oranges mingling in what was perhaps some sort of station or hub. And her sharp eyes followed the pathways, letting her mind ease just a little as she watched the rhythmic opening and shutting of the odd lamps. One beat after another.

Once again, she grew aware of Nakia watching her. With a little effort, she wrenched her gaze away from the lighted pathway and back at the Terran. “What else is out there?”

Nakia did not answer, instead moving behind Nebula again and then wheeling her to the side so that she faced what looked like clear glass. She didn’t know what the Terran did, but after a moment the glass was no longer transparent.

It was just another planet. She knew that. But what she had heard of Terra made her think of it as rather dull a place, one that could hardly compare with the many wonders she had seen. And maybe it couldn’t, maybe it was merely the surprise of having the screen transform in so clear, so detailed an image, where for so long she had been trapped in the confines of the hells her own wounded mind could conjure for her or the spaceship that meant so much to Gamora yet so little to her.

There was something breathtaking about it, to be sure. As the screen showed her the way out of the mountain - for it was that - rising past metal girders and above a train that shot past. And she saw for the first time something more of Wakanda, as the top of the mountain dipped away and through the mist below appeared forests of a vibrant green, the image drifting above them.

“Is this… real?” asked Nebula. She clarified - “Is it happening right now?”

“This is a recording,” said Nakia. “It is night outside. And the nights in Wakanda are beautiful to be sure, but would not allow us to see as much.”

They both watched the screen for minutes, which eventually showed the outlines of a city, something comfortingly familiar about the clusters of high buildings and people milling about. And beyond it pastures and hills and mossy rocks and small white things that were presumably domesticated animals. They watched in silence.

And eventually, the screen faded to black. Nebula had slumped slightly in her chair, and when the recording ended she realised her eyes had half-closed in a daze, her bones feeling so very heavy and her muscles sagging in their confines of flesh and metal. She didn’t resist when Nakia wheeled her back to the bed, didn’t resist when Nakia covered her with a blanket that was so much thicker and softer than the one she'd had as Thanos’ servant. She watched Nakia as she walked off to a table just outside the chamber, doing something with a screen that she couldn’t quite discern.

The Terran did not leave. She did not turn off the lights. And as Nebula drifted slowly off to sleep, she could not help but be grateful.

Just a little.

* * *

The world was an expanse of orange, a misty and blurred sky serving as an endless horizon. Reds and yellows mingled in the vastness of the unknown landscape, the sky reflected in clear water that served as a thin sheen to cover the ground.

Nebula took a step forwards, feeling her feet rest on top of the water before sinking in ever so slightly. As if this were mud, not water. She did not look down at her own reflection, instead looking straight ahead. For close by was an unfamiliar structure - stone columns holding up a roof of some kind. And underneath it stood a tall figure, looking away from her, the water reflecting her perfectly in the orange light that swathed her too. Light falling against dark red hair, bare arms that still retained their distinctive shade of green. Her back turned to Nebula, only an outline in this expanse.

“Gamora?”

A pause. Then - “What made us sisters?” The voice, so familiar, felt like a shard that cut into her heart.

But what did the words mean? Nebula knew she had to answer. Yet how could she, if she didn’t know the right response? “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. I am gone.”

Nebula felt her teeth grind against each other as she took a half-step towards Gamora, the shallow water splashing around her ankle. She had sunk deeper. “You had no right to leave me.”

Gamora had turned slightly, so that part of her was facing Nebula, but not entirely. Apart from that, she didn’t seem to react at all to her words, still looking into the empty distance. “It isn’t what you wanted. I know that.” She tapped her fingers against her thigh, seemingly in a random order. Nebula stared at them for a few seconds before her gaze returned to Gamora’s face, waiting for her to go on. “Where is it? Nebula? Can you find it?”

“Find what?”

“Imagine seeking out a world. Imagine being able to get at everything except that which you want most. What would you do?”

Nebula shook her head, feeling agitation tug at her. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You never did. It was always your trouble, Nebula. You always remembered the wrong things.”

“What does that - Gamora, please, tell me… What is this?”

Gamora turned to face her, but as she did the world seemed to slip and shudder. The last thing Nebula could see was a tear rolling down that face and the ghostly words follow her - “You need to remember.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I take the 'Everyone Needs A Hug' tag very seriously. Do please leave comments!


	5. HOME

“Can you take these?” asked Shuri, holding out a number of small white… things in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

She stared at them, filled with doubt. “What are they?”

“Gabapentin.” A small smile slipped out at Nebula’s obvious confusion. “Hopefully, it’ll help with the itching you feel in your arms.”

“It’s medicine?”

“Yeah. I’m taking one hell of a gamble here and it probably won’t work, but I did a brain scan and read up on some newer work in neuroscience and… well, I’m not a chemist, but these _could_ help and I’m fairly certain they won’t have any adverse consequences…” She shrugged. “The thing is, going by the results from the radioreceptor assay I _think_ you have gamma-aminobutyric acid and you’ve definitely exhibited phantom limb symptoms so I’ve decided to give it a try.”

This was a string of words that made absolutely no sense to Nebula. She filed it away under Terrans babbling, as they seemed to be prone to doing. Like Quill.

 _He’s dead, now_ , a helpful voice in her head reminded her. _Do you think Gamora would have saved you if she had known it would lead to the death of the man she loved_?

 _I never asked her to_ , she told the voice. But that didn’t really help. And the voice was making her restless.

She swallowed the pills and the water that followed them.

“How long do I have to stay here?”

“Until you’ve recovered.”

“And how long will that be?”

Shuri spread her arms. “How should I know? You are healing well, but this is uncharted territory for all of us.”

“You can’t confine me here.”

“This isn’t a prison. You’re more than welcome to run out of here if you wish to do so, just don’t come crying to me when some Earth bacteria leave you at death’s door. Again.”

Nebula’s eyes widened slightly as she stared at the Terran.

For her part, Shuri gave her a grim smile. “Thought I should make that clear.”

“I don’t have much reason to believe you.”

“Again, you can see the door.”

“Yet I am left without arms.”

Shuri rolled her eyes. “Which I’m working on. But it _did_ save your life, which took some pretty incredible science-ing even for me, so maybe a little gratitude would be in order?”

Silence.

“Whatever. How about I call Stark?” asked the Terran. “If you’re feeling a little stronger…”

Nebula nodded. Yes, that would be good.

She tapped at an odd flat screened device. Probably some Terran form of communication.

“He’ll be there soon.”

Shuri left, and Nebula was tempted to get up and explore her surroundings. But to her frustration, she was still endlessly weak and she suspected any attempt to walk would tire her quickly. She didn’t want to fall asleep again immediately. So she just lay there, occasionally sipping at the water left for her, until perhaps twenty minutes later a familiar figure walked down the circular slope to the lab and approached her bed.

“Hey,” said Tony, with a smile. “I heard you were awake.”

He took the nearby chair and sat next to her.

“I am.”

“How are you?”

“Recovering, apparently.”

“Apparently?”

“It’s what Shuri says.”

Tony nodded. “I’d probably trust her on that.” When Nebula made a face, his smile widened. “She knows what she’s doing.”

“Apparently,” muttered Nebula.

He shook his head with a small snort. “Tell you what, though,” he said, “this place is amazing. The _things_ they’ve been hiding… It just makes me think about all the stuff I could do with vibranium. I’ve only ever come across it in small quantities like Cap’s shield or with the whole Ultron disaster, but it’s clear I’ve only ever tapped into a tiny number of its capabilities. It’s not just impenetrable, of course - which is what I tended to focus on. A lot of this new stuff is thanks to Shuri, I hear. Who, by the by - whatever you may think - is an absolute genius. And I don’t say that lightly,” he finished, giving her that cocky grin of his.

It was very nearly enjoyable to hear him talk again, in spite of all the needless chatter and boasting. But that wasn’t enough to make her forget what was out there.

“What are you doing to find Thanos?”

Tony’s smile slipped. “We’re working on it.”

“Working on _what_?”

“They’re…” He sighed. “They are trying some stuff, baking together new ideas since everything fell apart. Some strategies to find him, defeat him even. Mind you, those strategies are the most fucking insane things I have ever come across. And coming from me…”

“Like what?”

Tony spread his hands. “From what I’ve heard,” he said, sounding dubious, “some very weird stuff indeed. Finding wizards? Tapping into homicidal ghosts’ memories to get at potentially crucial information? Yeah, that was my reaction too. I don’t know whether there’s any point to that, but if it keeps them busy? I don’t know. It’s all so insane, maybe it’ll work, y’know?”

Nebula’s expression was stuck between confused and aghast. “They were meant to help us defeat him,” she said, trying not to sound too accusatory.

“And they will. Again, we need to follow every lead, right? And I’m working with Shuri. Maybe we’ll come up with something, y’know, with the blood. You were conscious for that, right? Yeah. So that’ll be something. For now. But you need to rest.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re still recovering.”

She shook her head with a burst of irritation. “I am sick of people telling me that. I _need_ to -“

“You _need_ to rest!” snapped Tony, causing Nebula to flinch despite herself. He sighed. “Sorry - Look, I’m sorry. And I promise, you will be involved. Once we find something - _anything_ …” He sighed again, looking away and raising his curled fingers to his mouth in that way he had of trying to calm himself. Then he lowered it again and faced her again. “Anything substantial. We’ll do this together, okay? I promise you. But - but you can’t kill Thanos if you’re not rested. And that means we make sure you’re not exposed to any harmful bacteria, and that we rehabilitate you. Shuri’s working on arms for you. And _then_ you’ll be able to help. Okay?”

Nebula nodded even though she was still sceptical. And she remembered the question she probably should have asked first. “Did you find out what happened to Pepper?”

Tony’s averted gaze was answer enough. “We’re going to fix this,” he said, and she didn’t know whose benefit he was saying it for. Probably his own. “We’re definitely going to fix it.”

At that moment, Shuri reappeared at the entrance, pattering down the slope quickly.

“Back already?” asked Tony in surprise.

“I’m hiding,” came the short response as the Terran crossed over to one of the screens and started tapping quickly on a keyboard.

Tony raised his eyebrows at Nebula before craning his neck to get a good look at Shuri. “Trouble with Earth’s mightiest?” he called out.

Shuri gave him a dirty look. “Shut it, squatter.”

That only got a smirk from Tony.

“As it happens,” said the young woman, pulling something out of a drawer and walking over to them, “your colleagues aren’t my problem right now.”

“So it’s your own people.”

“It isn’t any of your business,” said Shuri with a scowl. She came to a stop next to Nebula, holding something that looked very much like a syringe. “Right. Suppose we might as well get in those shots now.”

Nebula regarded the syringe very sceptically before glancing at Tony, who mirrored her expression.

“I hope you’re not injecting her with something just to blow off some steam,” he said. “You know, in those situations you’re usually meant to inject _yourself_ ….”

Shuri looked up at Tony, murder in her eyes. “I am giving your friend the medical care she needs and I will do it whenever I have the time to do so. Now get out of my lab, or I will inject _you_ with something that will numb your tongue so much that you won’t be able to say a single word for months.” She raised the syringe threateningly.

“I’m not sure this counts as appropriate behaviour for a medical professional.”

She bared her teeth and made a move towards Tony, whose chair scraped back as he stood up hurriedly. “Try me,” she said.

Tony raised his hands in surrender and stepped around the chair and away from the armed Terran. “Fine, fine. I’m going.” He gave Nebula another small grin. “Best be off, then. Take care around that one - she’s scary enough that she could give Thanos a run for his money.”

Nebula rolled her eyes at the man’s antics.

“I’ll visit soon,” said Tony, waving goodbye. “That is, if your doctor is feeling generous.”

Shuri rolled her eyes too. “Go. Tell anyone who asks after me that I’ve fled the country to start a life as a kangaroo tamer in Tasmania.”

“Weirdly specific, that.”

“Makes it more believable.”

Tony started leaving before Shuri could tell him to again and Nebula watched his receding back, a little sorry that their conversation had been so abruptly broken off.

“My father’s friend Zuri used to tell us these outrageous tales of the outside world when we were kids,” said Shuri in a conversational tone as she dabbed at Nebula’s neck with a damp towel. “Kangaroos featured heavily in a surprising number of them. Then he had to stop when I started badgering my father about getting one as a pet every two minutes.”

“What’s a kangaroo?”

“They jump high and have pouches to carry their young. Pretty cool, actually. I’ll show you a video later. You fine with getting this injected into your neck? It’ll barely prick.”

“Yes.”

Shuri inspected the part of her neck she had just cleaned, holding the syringe delicately. “I’m sorry for making your friend leave. I suppose I’m just a little tense at the moment.”

“It is your lab,” said Nebula, who hardly thought it wise to pick a fight with someone who was about to inject her with an unknown liquid. Which Nebula was actually letting her do, to her own slight surprise. But then again, if this Terran wanted to hurt her, she would have had ample opportunity already.

“All the same,” said Shuri.

She felt a light prick and just an edge of pain that lasted several seconds before Shuri withdrew the syringe and it faded. The Terran hadn’t lied about the lack of pain.

Shuri applied what was probably a small bandage. “All done,” she said, walking over to a panel and placing the syringe into an unfamiliar device.

“Do you dislike Tony?” asked Nebula, still working at assessing the balance of power in this unfamiliar environment.

A snort. “He takes some getting used to. But I will say that his… his energy isn’t exactly unwelcome right now. And he is pretty smart.” She said the last part reluctantly, like she was conceding something that Nebula had learned to take for granted. “You must have grown pretty close during that trip of yours.”

Some part of Nebula wanted to reflexively deny having formed an attachment to some stupid Terran. Especially after all the mockery she had levelled at Gamora for her motley band. Still, it wasn’t like she had anyone _left_ to prove something to. “We did,” she said eventually. “I would have died without him.”

“Yeah, you would have,” said Shuri, having walked over to the wall several feet away from Nebula and leaning back against it, arms folded. “But he’s also talked about how you took tended to that stab wound. Says you took good care of him.”

“I wouldn’t have survived this long if I didn’t know how to patch up wounds,” said Nebula, the praise making her feel weird.

“Right. All things considered, you were probably lucky that neither of you ended up alone.”

Nebula agreed with her, but didn’t say anything.

There was a minute or so of awkward silence.

“Hey, so I was thinking about those arms,” said Shuri, abruptly changing the subject.

Nebula looked up sharply. “Can I get them back?”

“I’m still working on it,” she said, looking a tad uncomfortable. “Would you mind too much if you didn’t have any biological material and they were purely prosthetics? It’s just, it’s kind of hard to work with unfamiliar DNA and it’d take longer…”

“I don’t care,” said Nebula immediately. It wasn’t like her skin had done her much good anyway.

“Okay. I’ve been studying them in detail and I think I’ve pretty much figured out the range of movement and so on, though I might need to do a few more medical examinations on you to figure out how exactly all the synapses will connect and all that… Some of those scans are kind of invasive, so I’d give you a full rundown of what I’d need and then you could decided what you’re fine with doing.”

“I don’t care,” she repeated, a little frustrated at how squeamish the Terran was being.

Shuri gave her a stern look that made her seem a lot older. “Well, I _do_ care. Anyway, I’ll prepare everything and then we can do it first thing tomorrow.”

“Why tomorrow?” asked Nebula who was getting tired of delays.

“Like I said, I need to prepare. And I do have other stuff to do too, which I can’t run away from forever.”

“Other patients?”

“Something like that,” said Shuri with an odd expression.

“Are they the ones you’re hiding from?”

“Eh…” She looked down. “It’s stupid. Just trying to figure out answers to some unanswerable questions. Especially now -“ She cut herself off and shook her head jerkily. “This is stuff for out there. Not in here.”

Nebula watched her, curious if dispassionate. This was not her fight, after all. And whoever this young woman really was… At some point, someone would have to tell her that her demons would always find her.

That was something the children of Thanos had been taught well.

* * *

She did not dream clearly that night. Only disembodied words, flashes of a face.

 _What is strength, then?_ … _What he told you, the last time… us sisters… you are too harsh on yourself… any Luphomoid could have hoped to do… But he took you… You never asked me… think of our souls… couldn’t dream up a machine… your will that could always match him… You are nothing special, nothing of strength… And_ think _._

_How did I die, Nebula?_

But the dreams passed as she sunk into the abyss. And when she woke up, she wondered whether her ghost would ever go away.

Maybe she didn’t want it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short update, this - which is good, since the next one is getting too long. Do please leave comments!


	6. FACE

“Okay,” said Shuri. “If you’re ready, I think it might be time to give you new arms.”

Nebula nodded eagerly. “I am ready.”

“Great,” she said, just as Nakia came in.

The Terran crossed over quickly to where Nebula was lying, smiling as she looked down at her. She was wearing a shawl this time, green with in an intricate pattern that wrapped itself neatly over her head. “How are you feeling?”

Nebula stared at the shawl for a moment before meeting the Terran’s eyes. “Fine.” And she was, now that she was _finally_ going to get the tools she needed back.

“Once you’re feeling better, I was wondering whether you might like to see Rocket,” she said. “He was just asking after you.”

Rocket… The fox. Oh no. Oh… “No,” she said and was taken aback at the sheer panic the one word managed to convey.

Both Terrans looked at her in surprise.

“You don’t want to see him?” asked Shuri while Nakia regarded her with open worry.

Nebula shook her head. “I… can’t.”

 _I watched his friends die_.

 _And it’s my fault_.

“Maybe when you’ve recovered a bit more.”

“No,” said Nebula urgently. “No, I can’t see him. Please don’t make me see him. Please.”

Oh, if only Gamora could see her now, begging some weak Terrans for a favour just because she was too _afraid_ … What was wrong with her?

Nakia gave Shuri a look that probably meant something, even if Nebula wasn’t sure what. “You don’t have to worry about it,” she said. “And you don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to see. Okay?”

She felt a rush of gratitude at this unexpected strong reassurance, the fear receding a little. A rush of self-loathing rose in her throat, making her want to choke. How pathetic her response to a little kindness was. “Thank you,” she said, not quite sure what else to say but hoping her tone would convey how much it meant to her.

“Don’t worry,” said Nakia. “Are you still fine with having the procedure done now?”

Nebula nodded jerkily.

The Terran glanced at her companion, who had been watching the exchange with an odd expression but now started moving again, stepping over to the panel of the weird bunk Nebula lay in.

“We’d better get started, then,” said Shuri. “Nakia’s going to help me.”

Which would have been fine except that Nakia was looking distinctly dubious.

“I thought you said you weren’t a medic,” said Nebula, finding it hard not to show her own doubts.

“I’m not,” said Nakia. “But we’re rather short on manpower these days.”

“Nakia seems to think she needs to babysit me,” said Shuri, inspecting a set of what looked like medical tools.

“I’m not -“ said Nakia immediately, before cutting herself off. “I’m just keeping an eye on her,” she said to Nebula.

“Uh huh,” said Shuri. She turned back to Nebula. “Right, mostly we’re going to let the machinery do the work in actually attaching the arms. But before that we need to clean the wounds. There’s also… stray wires that need to be removed so our technology can be fixed to you. I already took out all the shrapnel when you got in as well as removing Stark’s… work” - was it possible to sound both disapproving and impressed? - “but I waited to decide that we were going to use Wakandan models rather than trying to repair your own arms. I’m sorry, but they’re beyond repair.”

She sounded genuinely apologetic, like her arms had been something Nebula had ever been particularly attached to as more than tools. “I don’t care,” she said emotionlessly.

It was meant as an assurance, but it led to Nakia giving her a troubled look.

“Right,” said Shuri. “Just to let you know what we’re going to do. I’m really sorry but you’re going to have to stay awake for the first part because I need to know whether I’m hurting you… It shouldn’t be too bad, if all goes well.”

“I’m used to pain.”

Shuri licked her lips and handed what looked like pliers to Nakia. “Well, I do need to know. So just tell me, all right?”

She got started.

* * *

It didn’t take too long before Shuri was ready to put her under anesthesia for the procedure proper. The thought of forced unconsciousness still sent a shudder of nervousness through her - but vague attempts to convince the Terran that it wouldn’t be necessary got such looks of horror that she ended up deciding it wasn’t worth arguing.

What had become of her?

So she drifted off. Only to realise that the drug-induced sleep was not to be dreamless.

“Have you remembered?”

Gamora faced her in the odd temple-like structure, the emptiness around them extending into the horizon in this barren world of orange.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to remember,” said Nebula. She didn’t want this to go like the last time but… she had no idea what to say. “Please. What is it?”

“The Terrans. They think you can help them.”

“Are they right?”

“That depends. Can you find it?”

“Find _what_?”

“You know, Nebula. You have all the pieces. All the parts. You remember, don’t you, sister? What he told you, the last time he saw you. _It would have been a waste of parts_.”

“It was just - He was just being -“

“Cruel. It was just a cruel, cruel jibe. But it is when he is at his cruelest that Thanos reveals the most of himself. Allowing us to see the monster within.”

“I could see that already.”

“ _You_ could. But others, they don’t know him as we do, do they? How should they? But the two of us, we were raised by him.”

“I remember that.”

“Our father always liked his trophies.” Before Nebula could ask her what she meant, Gamora added - “Do you remember how I beat you every day? Defeated you, however hard you tried?”

Nebula’s eyes widened. She… she hadn’t been expecting this. “I thought you would rather I forget that,” she said, quietly.

“But I did. I beat you, Nebula. And you know why?”

“Do you have to taunt me like this?” asked Nebula, hating herself and hating Gamora. “Even dead, you want to belittle me?”

“I need you to remember,” said Gamora. So insistent. But it made _no_ sense. “I am not belittling you. You are so skilled. And so smart. And so brave. That is all you, sister. Yet you could never beat me. Why is that?”

“You were stronger.”

“Remember, Nebula. Remember why I was stronger. You have everything you need inside that head of yours. Use it.”

* * *

When she woke up, she had arms.

Nakia hastened over the moment she saw Nebula trying to straighten up, arms following her commands instinctively but shaking and shuddering as she tried to remember how to control them. Not _them_ as in _her_ arms - they were different. Sleek and metal and shaped like her arms, but with no blue skin. A grey sheen that shone blue when the light was right, mirroring the purple streak of her own face. She was glad they had not tried to exactly copy what had come before - it would have felt… wrong, somehow. A little too unnerving. She could deal with this.

“Steady now.”

“Where are my swords?”

The question slipped out before she had the chance to think about it and Nakia froze in her approach for an instant, hands still lifted as she raised her eyebrows. “I’m not sure,” she said evenly. “I can try to track them down for you, if you want.” She looked like she wanted to say more, but didn’t.

“I do want that.” She regarded Nakia warily. “Am I permitted to stand up?”

The irony in her tone got Nakia’s evident disapproval, but after a moment’s pause she nodded and stood back slightly. At least she wasn’t going to try and help her up.

Nebula took a deep breath, inhaling through her teeth as she clenched them together in concentration. Then, in a single movement, she used her arms to prop herself up and stood. Her legs almost gave way instantly but through sheer will power she managed to remain standing, legs shuddering and head spinning slightly but standing, unaided and by herself. It got easier after a moment as the world around her adjusted itself.

“There’s a mirror here,” said Nakia and as Nebula focused on her, she could see that the Terran was gesturing just outside of the little half-chamber they were in. Again, Nakia didn’t attempt to offer her help, instead simply watching as Nebula gritted her teeth and made one step after the other towards her goal, her new arms swinging limply at her side. She turned to face the mirror, legs quaking but still upright, and looked at her reflection.

She considered her face, having not seen it in a long time. Looked back at those blank dark eyes. Sometimes it surprised even her that there was any life at all resting behind them. It took a moment to wrench her gaze away from them, to focus on what really mattered. Her arms.

Nakia came to her side. “How do you like them?

“They’re functional,” said Nebula approvingly. “Terran craftsmanship has progressed far.”

Nakia smiled as she looked at Nebula’s reflection. “I realise they’ll probably take some getting used to.”

“It’ll be fine.” She couldn’t help but be nonchalant about it.

The Terran’s arms were folded as she considered Nebula, now with a frown. “This has happened to you before, hasn’t it?” She tilted her head down, looking grim. “Stupid question. I saw your medical records, after all. And the evidence my own eyes provide.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Nebula, flexing her fingers methodically. These were old wounds, after all.

“This was Thanos’ doing?”

Nebula didn’t have to ask to know what she meant. “Most of it,” she said, rolling her arm around and noting happily how smoothly her shoulder moved. Same range of movement indeed.

“And may I ask why?”

“To make me stronger.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from Nakia’s direction. Nebula knew what she was thinking, of course. She had seen the mixture of disgust and pity far too often already. A little monster, the abomination her father made her into. Maybe Nakia was already regretting the time and effort she had put into talking to Nebula. That sort of effort should be reserved for _real_ people. Not tools.

“He is a monster.”

Nebula glanced at her out of surprise more than anything. “Yes,” she said eventually. “As is everything he touches. With time.”

Nakia shook her head. “I know men like that. And what he did to you damns only him.”

Nebula reached to the metal on her face, pleased at how sensitive her fingers were. Far more than she was used to, she could feel heat and cold and softness that was so much more… vibrant. “What he did to me are some of the lesser of his crimes. But they are why I will kill him.”

“I hope you succeed,” said Nakia, steel entering her voice. Nebula wondered whether she was a warrior when the universe wasn’t dying. “I can’t even imagine how much you hate him.”

“He took me from my family, slaughtered my people, cut away at my body and killed my sister,” she said evenly though her old rage flared. “He has taken everything I have ever cared about away from me. And I want to do the same for him, to destroy his fanatical vision before his very eyes and reverse all that he has done, so that he can know that he has failed as I drive my blade further and further into him and his screams carry him into oblivion.”

Nakia’s only reaction was a slight widening of the eyes.

“Who did you lose?” asked Nebula as she folded her arms, mirroring Nakia’s posture. It felt comfortable, the arms resting snugly against each other. And she was still standing, pleasingly strong. This was good.

It was impressive composure that the Terran showed in response to her question. A useful ability to hide the most violent of emotions, one that Nebula herself had learned well. “My father. Much of my people, my friends,” said Nakia. “And… someone I cared for.”

That word again… ‘Cared’ - they were awfully fond of that word. When Tony spoke of someone he had meant to care for, it was directed at that boy who must be a little like a son. In this case, it sounded more like a lover. Like… Quill to her sister.

Nakia seemed to hesitate before adding, “He was Shuri’s brother. She lost her mother too - all her family is gone.”

Nebula nodded at this new information. “That is why you are here. To take care of her.”

“Someone has to,” said Nakia with a shrug. “There are a lot of people who want to talk to her right now. But she needs someone she can trust.”

“And she trusts you?”

“I sure hope so,” she said, smiling. “She’s known me her entire life.”

Nebula wondered what it’d be like to have someone like that. The closest she ever got was Gamora. And that was gone too.

* * *

Tony grinned at her. “Those look good,” he said, gesturing at her arms.

“Have you come up with any new ways of finding Thanos?”

The grin faltered, just like last time. “It’s proving difficult. We do have leads, but…”

Nebula grimaced in frustration, feeling the familiar wave of frustration roll over her. “I have arms now,” she said. “I can help.”

Tony held out a hand, not intruding in her space but gently discouraging. “You will. But the last thing we want is complications because you were too impatient.”

“We can’t afford _not_ to be impatient!” The words burst out of Nebula and she took a half-step forward. Tony didn’t back off, though he looked like he was considering it. “You of all people should know that! It - it must be chaos out there.”

He grimaced but did not avert his gaze, clearly trying to come across as calm. “It’s not great,” he said in what must be a truly epic understatement. “And I _do_ know that. I just don’t want you to get hurt.” When he saw her frown deepen, he smiled at her with raised eyebrows. “Don’t want to lose my number one Thanos-killer, do I?”

This didn’t do much to assuage her, which she showed by huffing loudly. “I still don’t like being locked up.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “You are _not_ being locked up. And it’s not like you can’t be useful here.”

“I can?”

“If you’re up for it, we need to get as much information as we can from you. After all, you knew him better than anyone else here did. And I think we should use that.”

It was such a little thing but her stupid heart could not help but warm a little at this small demonstration of confidence in her. Terrans - so ridiculously keen to shower each other with positive feedback. Maybe this was why Gamora had grown so fond of her silly group.

 _They’re dead now. Except Rocket, who you’re too cowardly to see_.

“I’m up for it,” she said loudly, mostly to make the voice in her head shut up.

“Good,” said Tony with another grin, jamming his hands into his pockets. “That’s good. Right.”

“I hope that’s why you’re wasting your time visiting me.”

His forehead creased. “What?”

“Because you need information,” said Nebula, not as sure as she should be about what she wanted the answer to be. “Otherwise, what’s the point of visiting?”

“Jeez…” He closed his eyes briefly as one hand went to his head. “No. Of course not. I’m here because you saved my life out in space and because we travelled all this way together and because I put a hell of a lot of effort into keeping you alive.”

“You need to use your time to figure out to kill Thanos.”

“I can’t do that every second of every day, however much I try. It’ll drive me insane. Not that I’m not…” He trailed off, rubbing his nose absent-mindedly as his other arm was folded almost as if hugging himself. “It’s not exactly easy, out there. You hate being shut up in here… But at least you get some peace and quiet. Out there, it’s like a morgue. All the time. And there’s a lot of… stuff that was never settled between me and some of the other Avengers. Those who are still here, that is. Which… really isn’t many.”

“You fought each other,” said Nebula, remembering one of the stories he had told her as they travelled.

“Yeah. And it’s not like any of us are coping well. But going here… Well, I can escape. Just a little.”

“It helps?” asked Nebula. That was… weird. “Talking to _me_?”

“Absolutely,” said Tony in his most reassuring voice. “Man, you have no idea… Shuri feels the same, of course. She looks way more relaxed in here than at any time out there, dealing with all her queenly duties.”

“Her… Wait, what?” When Tony looked confused, she added, “Queenly?”

“She never mentioned?” asked Tony, initial surprise fading to amusement. “Don’t even know _why_ that’d shock me. Just because _I’d_ shout it off the damn rooftops…”

“She’s the queen?”

He seemed a little guilty. “Probably won’t appreciate me letting that slip. Oh well, it’s out there now. Nothing I can do.”

“But…” said Nebula, struggling a little to digest this new information, “why would she spend so much time taking care of me? If she has a whole country to run?”

“Off the top of my head?” said Tony, raising his eyebrows as he tapped a finger against his temple. “She’s a scientist, not a ruler. She’s doing a job she never wanted, one she only got because her brother died. In that situation, wouldn’t you do everything you could to be a scientist again, only for a little bit? At the very least, in a world on fire it can be nice to remember that you can do some good.”

“That was… Huh. Really…” Really perceptive. Remarkably so.

Tony snorted. “After all the thousands of poor psychologists who have tried to figure me out, I must have picked something up along the way.”

“No one could ever figure you out,” said Nebula, meaning it.

‘That’s what _they_ realised,” said Tony with a mischievous twinkle. “Of course, it was too late for some of them… Driven insane by my chatter, the poor things.”

“I can relate.”

Tony’s mouth opened in surprise. Before looking gleeful. “Glad to see you’re no less sharp,” he said. “How about this, then? I’ll go talk to my pals, all three of them. We could always connect you by video to a meeting and we can go through all the questions they might have.”

Nebula looked down at her lap, curling and flexing her fingers. The thought of telling a group of complete strangers her biggest weaknesses… It was terrible. But she couldn’t be this weak.

“Or I could just make a list of the questions they have. Then we can just talk our way through them and then I’ll pass on anything relevant. Probably the more efficient approach anyway than involving all of them.”

He had been watching her. This was an act of charity - an act a part of her still wanted to fling away. To accept such acts… It was to admit to them that they were necessary. However much he might want to deny his intentions, they were plain to see. And the generosity made her feel ill inside.

* * *

Yet the first set of questions yielded no results. With frustration, she listed each one of Thanos’ retreats, knowing he wasn’t likely to be at any one of them. That didn’t mean she knew how to defeat him, let alone how to reverse everything.

Tony kept repeating that any information might be useful. Go over everything, he said. But that was too frustrating. She wanted answers - and fast. Something specific that could solve all their problems. Kill Thanos. Get the gauntlet. And yet it wasn’t there.

She didn’t have the patience for this.

But it was more than that - really. It was the unnerving feeling that even if there were something useful, she wouldn’t be able to remember it. They realised as they tried to go through Nebula’s early memories. She barely remembered her family. Certainly didn’t understand anything before Thanos. And not much with Thanos either.

He didn’t admit it, but Nebula could see that Tony was as dispirited as she was. Hardly surprising, considering… Well, everything.

It wasn’t long before Tony decided to call it a day. And even though she was horribly frustrated, even though she wanted to try to remember _something_ , she felt the weariness exert its familiar tug. Loathe as she was to admit it, she was still all too weak. Chained to the whims of these Terrans until she got back her strength. Restricted by her own mind, willing as ever to play its cruel tricks on her.

* * *

“Thanos never understood what made you strong.”

Nebula sighed. “I thought I was weak?”

“You couldn’t beat me,” said Gamora. “But there is more than one type of strength.”

“Only one that matters.”

“You don’t believe that. Not any more. You have your Terrans now.”

“Does it make you happy? Me being weak, like you were?”

“It makes me very happy. But I wonder why you don’t let them help you.”

Nebula’s eyes narrowed. “I have put myself at their mercy. I have let them help me evade death and recover. I have slept defencelessly while they stood over me. Do you not know this?”

“I do. But you haven’t let them help you remember.”

“I talk to Tony. Try to understand Thanos’ weaknesses. But there’s… there’s nothing.

“So impatient, still. You’ve barely started your search.”

“There’s nothing! I know it, I’m just not able -“

“Don’t ever say that. You _are_ able. And you will find it.”

She shook her head and looked away irritably. “Why do you persist in your riddles? Is this the way my mind chooses to demonstrate its insanity?”

“You are not insane. You merely need a little help sometimes. That doesn’t make you weak. Knowing that you need help never makes you weak.”

“This is more rubbish. All that rubbish that you started spouting. When you changed and left me.”

“And now you have new friends too. We’ve both changed, sister. That doesn’t break our bond.”

“Why am I dreaming this? What good could it possibly do?”

“If it helps you think, all the good in the universe. Do you know why I was stronger?”

“I don’t know. Gamora, I just don’t know. You were… I could never match you. Never fast enough. I always gave way.”

“What is strength, then? Because your training was no lesser than mine. And your will no less either. Why did he feel the need to put all that metal in you?”

“Because my body was weaker.”

“Muscles. Bones. Blood.”

“The weakness that almost killed me.”

“Exactly. But you are too harsh on yourself, sister. No one could have expected more.”

“Because I’m worse than you.”

“No. Never worse. You did as well as any Luphomoid could have hoped to do.”

Nebula’s eyebrows flew up. “So now we’ve moved on to insulting my species? Anything else?”

“Think, Nebula. Let your friends help you remember.”

“I’ve talked, but -“

“You have another way! What did Thanos make you into?”

“A monster.”

“No.”

“Then -“ Nebula remembered. “The memory banks.”

“Which you chose to forget.”

“But… but they don’t have that technology.”

“You truly think your friends couldn’t dream up a machine that could access your memory banks just like Thanos did? You wanted to forget, Nebula. That was always your greatest weakness.”

“But how would I even know what to look for?”

“Trust your friends. And _think_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look........ this is very, very, very late but I have just been ridiculously busy so.... um, sorry. and fair warning, that might not change for a while. thanks so much for reading folks, and do please leave comments!


	7. SISTER/NATION

“I need to speak to Shuri.”

“Good morning to you too,” said Nakia.

“Is she busy?”

“Probably. What’s this about?” she asked, handing Nebula her breakfast.

“I think… There’s information in my head. Maybe. And I think Shuri could figure out a way to get at it. With Tony.”

Nakia raised her eyebrows. “Information in your head? Your memories, you mean?”

“Memory banks. Thanos implanted them -“

“He implanted… in your head -“

“Something that can broadcast directly from my memory circuits,” said Nebula, growing impatient. “It creates a hologram that depicts what I remember. But accurately unlike… what I can actually remember.”

“And you think you can find something that helps us beat Thanos?”

“I don’t know. But some of my memories are blurry… There could be something there, something repressed.”

Nakia nodded slowly, frowning. Something was troubling her. “So he implanted a transmission device in your head,” she muttered.

Nebula did not know why the Terran was so hung-up on that detail. “Yes. It served his purposes. That was what I was for.”

“It is a special kind of violence, to claim another’s body as your own,” said Nakia. “To think of it only in terms of your own needs. It’s hard to begin to imagine what you must have gone through.”

“It doesn’t matter. I am what he made -“

“You are more than what Thanos made you.”

Nebula groaned, growing increasingly tired of this argument. “Fine.”

“Did he teach you compassion?”

“I’m an assassin. Not exactly renowned for my compassion.”

“And yet.”

“If Gamora hadn’t been so compassionate, maybe -“ She cut herself off before she can say _maybe your loved ones would still be alive_. The Terran didn’t need to know that.

“Maybe what?”

“Nothing. I need to talk to Shuri.”

“So you said.” Nakia sighed as she settled into the chair at Nebula’s bedside, very much _not_ getting Shuri. “In a certain sense,” she said eventually, “you are right. Half the universe is dust. What does _your_ plight matter?”

A part of Nebula was tempted to agree, but she also knew the Terran had something else to add.

“But I can’t help it. The thought of using you, as a tool, in the way Thanos intended makes me more than a little uncomfortable -“

“Is that what this is about?” Nebula almost laughed. “This matter is distasteful to you? Put your mind at rest. I am quite content with being the weapon of Thanos’ design, used to damn him.”

“He doesn’t own you.”

Nebula just rolled her eyes.

“Maybe he did. But whether he continues to control your destiny is up to you.”

She gestured around her. “Look at everything. He controls everyone’s destiny, so save your pretty -“

“And if you manage to kill him? And his control fades? Will he no longer own you then?”

Nebula opened her mouth to reply, but didn’t.

They sat in silence for several minutes.

Nakia stood up. “I’ll get Shuri,” she said quietly.

* * *

Unlike Nakia, Shuri did not engage in senseless distractions. Instead, she nodded curtly when Nebula told her what she needed.

“Okay, I think I can build something like that,” said Shuri. “Yeah. I did see that there were… well, non-biological units in your occipital areas that could be used as memory banks. But obviously I didn’t want to fiddle around with it. These scans, though… This could work.”

“Good.”

“Actually, I’d better talk to Stark about this.” She shrugged at Nebula’s look of surprise. “He built some kind of… memory thing before. So he might be useful. Whatever.”

Nebula surprised herself by smirking at the Terran, who rolled her eyes and busied herself with all her fancy technology, humming an odd tune to herself.

“Going to have to get an idea of what the purple twat implanted,” said Shuri, returning with a small kit. “This might take a while.”

* * *

It did.

“Right,” said Shuri, after working in silence for ages, “I think we’re starting to get an accurate picture of this. Stay here a moment, if I’m really gonna do this I have to have a serious idea of what’s going on in your brain, fMRI and all.”

“What were all those scans for then?”

“Oh those? They were more about the technology itself rather than your brain.”

Nebula sighed.

“Sit still for this.”

After a few more minutes in silence, Nebula decided to speak. “Nakia mentioned that you lost your brother,” she said, waiting for her reaction.

Shuri’s face crumpled and revealed a pain that was all too raw, making Nebula feel guilty that she had brought it up.

If Shuri did not feel like she could hide from the world and its suffering in here, she would stop coming at all. Maybe that’s what Nebula deserved.

“I am sorry,” said Nebula quickly nevertheless, before Shuri had had the chance to say anything. “I should not have brought it up.”

“No, no -“ said Shuri, biting on her lip but swallowing up the pain again. “You don’t have to apologise. It’s just… I miss him.”

Nebula nodded.

“Of course, you understand…” The Terran shot a look full of compassion and pity, as if Nebula hadn’t just brought up _Shuri’s_ painful loss. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk about him, or anything. Or… I don’t know what I want. And I know that you know what I’m going through. But that’s the thing - everyone knows now. Pretty much everyone has lost someone they care about. And with all that, I can’t increase everyone else’s suffering by showing my own.”

“Because you are queen.”

Shuri frowned. “Did Nakia tell you that too?”

Nebula shook her head. “Tony let it slip.”

A roll of the eyes. ‘Of course he did… The only thing bigger than that man’s brain is his mouth.” That made the corners of Nebula’s mouth twitch, and Shuri smiled too in response. “But yes, you’re right. They need to keep going, somehow, and we cannot do what needs to be done if the queen is in mourning.”

“Your brother ruled before you?”

Shuri nodded, brow drawn low in a continued struggle to keep her composure. “Not for long. Less than two years, actually. That’s when my father died.”

“I am sorry,” said Nebula, hoping it was the right thing to say.

“Thank you,” said Shuri with that earnestness that seemed to come so easily to her. “But at least with him, I felt like he had lived a full life. This… It is too senseless, too brutal. Our entire country cries itself to sleep at night but during day, we walk around with numb masks. We need to have purpose. Nakia does better at that than the rest of us, with her relief efforts to the other countries. But it is like trying to stop a forest fire with a watering can. Wakanda is strong, but even we cannot stop all the new violence as men go mad with grief and the famines as the wrong crops disappear in all the wrong places.” She shook her head, looking more tired than she had ever let herself be in front of Nebula. “My brother might not have been able to put out the flames, but I would much rather he face them in my stead. I am not sure whether that makes me selfish or a coward. Perhaps both.”

For a moment, Nebula couldn’t help but admire her strength and resolve, even though she knew Thanos would never have shared that sentiment. Not that Nebula knew what to say to help. “You are not a coward,” she said, weakly.

Shuri gave her a small smile. “I wasn’t fishing for reassurance, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it. This lab is still my only refuge, where I do not have to face my subjects or the Avengers.”

“What’s wrong with the Avengers?” asked Nebula, worry instantly surging within her.

“They are filled with guilt,” said Shuri simply. “Even more debilitating than my own. Their desperation to undo what has been done leads them ever closer to the edge. I cannot help but fear that they will snap before they can achieve their goal.”

“They can’t!” exclaimed Nebula, worry turning into something more like panic.

“They’ll work it out,” said Shuri, yet she sounded dubious. “Your friend Stark’s arrival helped, I think. But at least they still have hope. Hope that what was done with the infinity stones can be undone. Perhaps that keeps them sane.”

“Have you told your people?”

Shuri shook her head. “It makes me a hypocrite, I know. But the thought of disappointing their hopes… It just hurts too much to bear.”

“You are probably right,” said Nebula. She couldn’t help but think guiltily of how much more strength the thought of killing Thanos gave her than that of bringing back half the universe. Indeed, she was the monster her father had made her into. But it was too late for her sister, who had not been killed in the snap. All she had left, the _only_ thing she had left, was the goal of killing Thanos. And after that…

Then, it did not matter.

* * *

After Shuri’s confident proclamations she disappeared for a few days. Along with Tony. According to Nakia, who became her only company, they were working hard on some kind of machine that could connect with Nebula’s circuits. Apparently, they needed to confer no further with her on the matter.

Nakia brought her meals, helped her do her arm exercises, her strength quickly returning now. But Nakia had her own responsibilities and in the long hours between her visits, Nebula felt an emotion she had rarely indulged in: loneliness.

It was not pleasant.

* * *

“She’ll drop in soon,” said Nakia. “They’ve almost figured it out, I hear. Even though it’s… well, alien tech.”

“I imagine her work as queen keeps her busy too,” said Nebula dryly.

Nakia snorted. “She’s far too young to have any concept of what that entails. World ends and it’s still her new tech that excites her the most.”

It was an odd answer and Nebula could not help but prod further.

“Still, however young she is, surely she should leave my care to someone without her responsibilities.”

Something dark flashed in Nakia’s eyes and for a moment Nebula wondered whether the Terran was going to snap at her. But it faded, leaving only an empty sort of melancholy she knew all to well in its wake. “If the timing had been a little different, she might well have.”

Nebula frowned. “What do you mean?”

“She had just been coronated,” said Nakia. “Barely a week before the two of you came crashing into Wakanda. You should have seen her - she seized upon your care like it was a lifeline.” The Terran looked away, lips pressed together in a grim slash. “If she could, I think she would spend all her time here.”

“She did not wish to be coronated?” This was an incredibly stupid question, Nebula realised - Shuri’s countenance had made it quite clear she didn’t much appreciate her new responsibilities. Still, no harm in asking. In prodding.

“It meant accepting that T’Challa is gone. And that he might not come back.”

That was the first time she had heard his name. The name of the fallen king. The one Thanos - her father - had taken from them.

“Thanos will pay for this,” she said. “And your king will be returned to you.”

“Do you think it’s possible?” asked Nakia, her yearning tone betraying her desperation. She seemed so strong, but… before cruelty of the like Thanos displayed, they all wilted. Always.

“Yes,” said Nebula forcefully, determined to make this Terran believe that she spoke the truth.

But Nakia looked doubtful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...... well it's been a while, hasn't it  
>  Eh.... sorry about that. I'd like to promise that the next one will come faster and a big chunk of the remaining three chapters are written but it's a really busy time.
> 
> But thanks for reading anyway!


	8. FIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "This should be updated fairly regularly" says the note on the first chapter, because I am a fool. But hey, this is the longest chapter yet! Featuring a small excerpt from the IW script as well as from one of my own Nebula fic, which I guess is self-plagiarising? Anyways here we go, sorry about the delay.

“So it works!” said Shuri, an elated smile spreading across her face.

Nebula stared at the screen, at the projection of the interior of a spaceship from _her_ perspective being depicted. On Terran technology, no less.

“You don’t need to look so surprised. I told you I’d do it and obviously I did because I’m me…”

The image refocused as past-Nebula looked over at Tony, who was rifling through a kit.

“What I wouldn’t give for some prednisone,” past-Tony said.

“Sound is pretty good too!” said Shuri, sounding satisfied. “Shall we check whether we can find memories at will?”

Nebula nodded, ignoring the voice of her past self.

“Right. At the moment I can only… I guess we could call it scrolling, on a chronological basis. There should be a way to bring it under your conscious control but…” She trailed off as the screen went blank for a moment before showing a new image.

“You’re not so strong now, huh? Where is Gamora?”

“My Gamora.”

“No, bullshit! Where is she?”

“He is… in anguish.”

“Good.”

“He… He mourns.”

“What does this monster have to mourn?”

Her own voice - “Gamora.”

“What?”

“He took her to Vormir. He came back with the Soul Stone. But she didn’t.”

The screen went blank.

“Oh god Nebula,” said Shuri, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I let that run too long, I’m sorry.”

Of course Nebula knew why Shuri had not turned it off - unable to tear her eyes away from the man who killed her sibling. That made two of them.

“I - I’m an idiot, sorry -”

“Forget it,” said Nebula brusquely. “It works. That’s good.”

“Yes… Yes, it is,” said Shuri, triumph gone. She sat down heavily on the bed where Nebula was propped up against the pillows, Shuri’s weird helmet still attached to her head. It had worked perfectly. But of course Nebula’s memories were never going to be fun to scroll through.

They sat in silence for a while, Nebula half-watching the young queen, struck by how very vulnerable she seemed. She wanted to ask about it, not entirely sure whether she should but also figuring Shuri probably didn’t need to be left alone with her thoughts.

“Are you even yet an adult?”

“In all the ways that matter,” said Shuri as way of answer. It was an obvious evasion. So much of the Terran spoke of fast lost innocence in a way that was a little too familiar, and if she _was_ an adult she was clearly _barely_ so.

How could a child hope to hold a country together, however good with machines she might be? Nebula might not understand this world but suspected that Shuri was too kind for any throne. She wondered what her brother had been like, trying to picture him in her mind’s eye. He must have been strong to win Nakia’s respect, generous to inspire Shuri’s admiration. Wise, perhaps. A warrior, probably. But to be a good king - as well as a ruler - she imagined that he had to be ruthless too.

But what did she know of Terra?

“What does Wakanda ask of its rulers?”

Shuri frowned in a way that suggested that she didn’t quite know what Nebula meant. “It asks that they defend Wakanda,” she said and ran her finger over her ring, a small silver thing Nebula had never seen her without. “The protector of Wakanda carries the mantle of Black Panther. It is a mantle passed on from warrior to warrior. My brother held that title. And now, I am the Black Panther.”

The words were spoken solemnly as she stared off into the distance and Nebula felt that these words meant a great deal more to Shuri than they did to her.

She sighed. “You ask me whether I am an adult yet. Out there, I have to be. Serious, but not in mourning. Kind, but not soft. Smart, but something else than a scientist. It is an art T’Challa understood, however much he might have struggled with it. But me? It is not in my nature.”

“Natures can change,” said Nebula and she thought of Gamora. Gamora, who had once been the coldest of assassins. Who had grown ever more disdainful. Who had hidden all her rebellion for so many years, defiance disguised as emotionlessness. Nebula had not understood her. Not understood why she grew more distant - thinking that it was because Gamora believed herself to be better. Thinking her perfectly loyal to Thanos and _all_ he stood for. Not understanding her disgust at Nebula’s methods as her way of expressing her sickening of Thanos’ mission, the methods he espoused, rather than simple superiority towards Nebula. Gamora had changed right under her eyes and she had understood nothing of it. And neither had Thanos, which is why he couldn’t see what was to come. Because Gamora became more than what Thanos made her, because her spirit could never quite be tamed.

But Thanos had let her go. He had given her the illusion of freedom, let her run across the galaxy with friends and family and love and joy. Why? Why trick them into thinking they could get away from him in all ways but the pain of memories? Thanos did always love his games. And even his daughters could never be more than that to him.

“You will never be what your brother was,” Nebula said at last to the young queen. “And perhaps he will always be your better when it comes to leading your people. But people can take on new roles. Play new parts the people around them never thought them capable of. Maybe ones they never knew of themselves.”

Shuri made a small snorting sound. When Nebula looked at her in surprise, she said, “Sorry. It’s just, you’re not one for flattering, are you? I don’t mean in a bad way! I was just thinking… I just appreciate it a lot more than the empty words I’ve gotten from a lot of people.”

“Empty words?”

“It’s… Thanks. That’s all I wanted to say. I appreciate it.” She gave her a small grin. “You do quite a good pep talk, as it turns out. Look, I have to go… Probably shouldn’t have wasted all that time sulking. Sorry. But Stark should drop by soon and I assume he can figure out how to use this stuff - if he doesn’t, please laugh at him from me - and I’ll be back later and hopefully we’ll figure something out.”

* * *

Nebula was not given the opportunity to laugh at Tony. Maybe it was a Terran thing, but he seemed to have a freakish ability to instantly figure out technology he was unfamiliar with. She thought of Quill and decided it probably wasn’t a Terran thing at all.

Which quickly led them to the uncomfortable realisation that most of her memories were kind of terrible.

“If I hadn’t wanted to kill Thanos before…” muttered Tony. “Um, can we skip the torture stuff?”

“It might be useful.”

“We already know how this one ends, though. Gamora eventually comes. She leads him to the stone. Is there anything useful here?”

“Fine. Go further back.”

“Eh… Nebula? This is kind of a huge invasion into your privacy. These are your memories. If you want me to go… or skip anything…”

She rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”

“But I could -”

“Keep going.”

He gave her an unhappy look but did as she said.

What followed was a series of fairly desolate flashes of her post-Thanos life, featuring a lot of staring out at space and the occasional fight sequence. Tony didn’t say anything and Nebula was close to explaining that the people she had been fighting were connected to Thanos and… and then thought better of it. They hadn’t even gotten to the bits yet where she was working for Thanos. At least it might stop the Terrans from thinking she was Thanos’ poor innocent victim.

And that wasn’t as uncomfortable as the occasional cameo from her sister. The ones Tony seemed to pause on perhaps because they broke the monotony or perhaps because he judged as more likely to be useful in their information gathering than the other bits.

“You could stay, you know,” said past-Gamora.

“I heard your offer the first time,” said her own voice.

“So? What is it. If you think there is no place for you here, then you’re wrong.”

“Don’t presume to know what I think.”

Past-Gamora sighed. “Don’t get mad at me, Nebula. I just want you to know that you could always join us. Because I want you here.”

“Move on,” said present-Nebula, voice hoarse.

Tony did so.

An indeterminate amount of time later, they had still found absolutely nothing of use.

“I just don’t know what we’re supposed to be looking for,” said Nebula in frustration.

“Hey,” said Tony. “Look, it’s fine. Maybe we’ll come across something useful, maybe we won’t and we’ll figure out something else.”

“But she -“ Nebula broke off and closed her eyes, knowing she had already said too much.

“She? Nebs, what…”

“It’s nothing.”

“Why were you so keen to do this?”

“Do what?”

“Look through your memories.” At Nebula’s confusion, he clarified, “You seem so certain it’ll throw up something. I’m not disagreeing with you! I’m just… wondering.”

This was not a conversation she wanted to have.

“How am I supposed to know what to look for if I don’t know why we’re doing this?”

She couldn’t exactly argue with that. “It’s… stupid.”

“Stupid in what way?” Tony prompted, who had settled down and was now paying her renewed attention.

“It sounds ridiculous. Even to me.”

“Well luckily for you, I’m all about ridiculous.”

“I’ve had these… these dreams.” She kind of wished the Terran would say something, but for once he was waiting quietly for her to continue. Leaving her to fumble for words that sounded even more stupid and ridiculous now that she was actually trying to voice them. “About my sister. Gamora.”

Still Tony said nothing.

“It’s like I was talking to her. And… it’s not like I haven’t had nightmares before. I know what they’re like. But these were… different. It’s like Gamora was trying to tell me something. And she was… we’re always in the same place, a place _I’ve_ never been that’s all orange and… I know it sounds bizarre but - but she didn’t exactly die in a usual way, did she? There was something with the Soul Stone and Thanos _liked_ Gamora, she was his favourite, so why would he just kill her if… if there wasn’t something…”

Finally, she trailed off, almost too afraid to look at Tony, expecting to see pity or even irritation at her flights of fancy. But his expression was blank. Eventually he nodded slowly.

“That sounds plausible,” he said. “What did she tell you?”

Nebula stared at him. “Eh… what?”

“In the dreams. What did she tell you?”

“Are you just humouring me? Or… You can’t believe me. Can you?”

Tony frowned. “Of course I believe you. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I just told you my dead sister is speaking to me in dreams. And you just accept that.”

A short laugh. “Nebula, the world’s been a bit crazy recently. Not even recently. Thanos killed half the universe with magic stones, which I saw. One of those magic stones gave a pair of twins wacky powers, one of whom was able to make me see whatever she wanted. That was not long after I found out Norse mythology got some things right, including one brother who could do what I can only describe as magic and the other who _summons lightning_. My threshold for disbelieving crazy shit I hear has kind of changed.”

“But _dead people_ …”

“The wacky-power twin I mentioned? Gave me a vision of all my Avenger-buddies dead. Now, I don’t know how predictive that really was and ironically the people I saw dead are pretty much the only ones who are still alive now, but overall I’m more open to the concept of visions than I was a decade ago.”

This should have pleased Nebula, except that she didn’t quite believe what her brain was showing her so it was a bit of a stretch for her that this Terran was so instantly accepting. “Dead people are dead. They don’t talk to you in your dreams.”

“Funny you should mention that, because one of my friends currently has a nominally-dead magic god in his skull who I thought died years ago but apparently survived only to be killed by Thanos only to enter the dreams of his former enemy.” He chuckled at the expression on Nebula’s face. “Trust me, it’s a long story. So this fits right in.”

“Terrans are weird.”

“Yeah. Anyway, what’s your sister been telling you? To browse your memories?”

Nebula made a face. “In essence, yes. She keeps… I don’t know, she keeps asking me all these questions. Like she’s trying to make me figure something out. And she said that I should let my fr- let people I know help me remember, whatever that means. She keeps saying that I should remember.”

“Hm. That _is_ a little vague.”

“And then she asks me how she died and what strength is and why he’d even want a Luphomoid… That’s what I am, she tells me I never could have beaten her because I’m weaker.”

Tony raised his eyebrows. “A little harsh, don’t you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Well even if it isn’t your sister communicating to you, I still think this is worth exploring. Clearly your brain is trying to tell you _something_. So… can we go through your memories of your time with Thanos? If that’s not too painful?”

Nebula rolled her eyes again. “Just get on with it.”

* * *

By the time Shuri joined them, they had made it through a number of uncomfortable memories but still had not found anything Nebula considered remotely useful. Once Tony had assured Shuri that he had not in fact broken her technology, he moved aside to let her at the controls. For a while, they sat in silence, broken only by the sounds and voices of Nebula’s memories. They weren’t pretty.

“How far back exactly do these recordings go?” asked Tony, suppressing a yawn.

Shuri shrugged, turning away from the controls. They had just glimpsed Nebula’s interrogation of some poor merchant and they were clearly all ready for a break. “They’re not recordings in the strictest sense, seeing as they seem to be linked to memory circuits rather than being a straight feed of the optic nerves.”

“Points for pedantry but so what?”

Shuri gave him a look that would have made even Thanos at least shiver a bit. “ _So_ ,” she said as if speaking to a three year old, “theoretically that would mean they could go back past the point of implantation. Far further back.”

“Huh. That’s not a bad point,” Tony conceded. “Any childhood memory you feel like browsing, Nebs?”

“I don’t remember much of my childhood.”

“By accident or by design?” muttered Shuri.

Tony tapped absent-mindedly at the table. “Do you remember when you got that implantation?”

“No,” said Nebula. “These… modifications, they didn’t happen all at once. And he didn’t always explain what each individual one did.”

“But that’s so unethical!” Shuri exclaimed. “Patients need to be informed about any surgery procedures, not telling someone even the basic function of an operation breaks every ethics guideline -”

“Shuri,” said Tony, “it’s not like I don’t share your outrage but… you do remember who you’re talking about, right?”

“On the whole,” said Nebula dryly, “I think killing half the universe probably beats not conforming to proper ethics procedures.”

Shuri laughed.

“Not that it’s not still bad,” said Tony quickly. “What he did to you, I mean. I’m not minimising it.”

They both gave him a look.

“You know what? Just pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“Gladly,” said Shuri. “So how many operations are we talking about here?”

“Eh…” said Nebula. “Fifty? A hundred? I don’t know, I really lost count.” She realised they were both staring at her in shock and horror, and added, “You get used to them.”

For some reason, that didn’t help.

“Eh, Shuri,” said Tony, looking paler than usual, “I don’t suppose I could have a word?”

“About what?” said Nebula. When he didn’t answer, she said irritably, “Whatever you want to say to her, you can say to me too. I don’t need you to spare my _feelings_.”

“We can’t ask you to go through your memories of dozens of operations,” said Tony. “It’s cruel and inhumane -”

“But what if it’s necessary?”

“- and it’s fishing in the dark anyway, we don’t have that kind of time.”

“And I doubt it’s necessary either,” said Shuri. “We don’t need to know exactly how this thing works. Now it might be useful to remember something from earlier than that point but… if we scale back to before he did any operation we can easily ascertain whether it works or not. Besides, we still don’t know what we’re looking for.”

“It’d at least give us a place to start,” said Nebula, feeling frustration burn at her.

“You’ve been at this for hours,” said Tony. “How about we do our own thing, do some brainstorming, then try again?”

“You mean waste more time.”

“Searching un-systematically is what’s wasting time,” said Shuri. “I agree with Stark - it’d be a lot more efficient if we had some ideas for what to look for.”

“She agrees with me,” said Tony. “This truly is a glorious moment.” Ignoring Shuri’s glare, he added, “I can also ask the Avengers if there’s anything they want to research. Specific weak spots or whatever. Maybe we shouldn’t be looking for a single breakthrough but just hunt for information more generally.”

“What, you and the other… how many is it now?” said Shuri. “Three? Do you still know where the other non-dusted ones are or have you all gone completely AWOL?”

Tony scowled. “They’re on information-gathering missions.”

“Even the one in a coma?”

“Even him.”

“I’m not even going to ask,” muttered Nebula.

They both looked down at her, then Shuri closed her eyes and let out a strained chuckle. After a second they were both laughing and Nebula could not stop herself from joining in as they fell prey to the sheer ridiculousness of their predicament which had somehow brought three people who would otherwise not have ever been in the same galaxy let alone the same room together. So they laughed far too hard and far too long, because what else was there to do?

* * *

Nebula had another visitor that day, who came armed with dinner and an expression sourer than yaro root juice.

“Are you all right?”

Nakia gave her a tired smile. “Fine. Just… Long day.” She put down the tray. “Shuri can’t make it for dinner so you’re stuck eating with me.”

Nebula accepted the food gratefully when offered, still enjoying the feel of the Terran cutlery in her new fingers as she attacked the food. Nakia ate with her, doing so in a companionable silence.

After a while, she leant back against the pillow and sipped at her water. “What made it long?”

Nakia looked up with a touch of surprise.

“I’m stuck in here all day. Can’t help but be curious what the rest of the universe does with its time.”

“If it’s any consolation, Shuri thinks you’ll be fine after just a final checkup. All ready to go out their and fight the good fight.”

Shuri had been in here much of the day but she hadn’t thought to bring it up? “Is that what you’ve been doing? Fighting… the good fight?”

She nodded. “More or less. No Titan-killing, I’m afraid. Just… trying to fix an unfixable mess.”

“How bad is it? On Terra. What’s it like?” Nebula wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer… but needed it. Shuri had spoken in vague terms, Tony seemed to want to put it aside all together. Yet Nakia was a practical woman - she knew that much. “Please… I need to know.”

Nakia stared at her for a moment, then nodded.

“Where to start?” she said. “It was… In the - the first few days, _everything_ collapsed. Basic services all across the world - everything from water to electricity to… to basic emergency services, all those things were no longer available. Riots becoming uprisings, accidents, people going insane…Anyway, it’s not gotten much better since then. As far as we can work out, whatever Thanos did somehow manage to affect communities equally. Which shouldn’t even be possible, but… Still, it’s really hard to even get an idea of how bad things are, how many problems there are. There’s no such thing as a functional government. Food isn’t getting where it needs to go and so much of it disappeared. All the food chains are messed up. Something as fundamental as this - well, the disasters it’s caused are everything from planes crashing into crowds to bee hives suddenly losing their queen to babies dying because their parents have disappeared. Every disaster film I’ve ever seen, rolled into one.” She stopped to take breath and somehow managed a smile. “I’m sorry. You probably didn’t want that much honesty.”

Nebula shook her head. “I need to be prepared.” But she felt sickened less by the details than by her memories of being a part of Thanos’ ritual slaughters. There, she had never had to stick around afterwards to see the consequences. “What could you _possibly_ do about that?”

“Help where we can,” came the simple answer, followed by a deep sigh. “There are those who think Wakanda should put all our resources into keeping ourselves afloat. And they do have a point. There is much suffering here, suffering that needs our attention. Yet the people outside of our borders hurt even more and they are dying, dying so quickly that far more than half of Earth’s people will be lost through Thanos’ cruelty.”

“I wonder whether he knew this would happen,” said Nebula. She tried to think back to previous cases, all the other civilisations Thanos had ravaged. But she had never stayed long enough to see the consequences of his actions. Only the fire - the ones that Thanos had promised would lead to paradise. Where was their paradise in this?

* * *

Shuri was still busy in the morning, which meant Tony came alone. Despite his talk of brainstorming, apparently he had come up with nothing better than ‘keep browsing through your time with Thanos’. They barely lasted an hour before Tony made the screen go blank after watching her decapitate a beggar.

“Okay, let’s put that aside for a moment,” he said. There was an awkward silence before he determinedly broke it again. “You know, I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to leave this place soon. And yeah, yeah - that’ll mean we can get to the Thanos-killing. _But_ while we wait around for an actual _plan_ to drop into our lap or something, I am kinda curious to see what you think of a proper Earth city. It’s not comparable with what it’d usually be, but..”

Nebula shook her head, a bit of bile rising in her at the thought.

Tony frowned at her. “Earth isn’t _that_ bad.”

“It’s not -“ She broke off, not wanting to tell him _why_ the idea made her so ill but not really sure how to get out of this either. “It’s not my place to be among your people.”

“Your… place? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If Gamora hadn’t…” Nebula shook her head again, digging her new fingers into her new palms and feeling a welcome sting in response. “If Thanos hadn’t captured me, Gamora wouldn’t have taken him to Vormir. Those people… Half of this world…”

The Terran’s expression grew grim as he understood what she meant. “They’d be alive.”

“Yes,” she said, the word biting into her.

Tony closed his eyes. They sat in silence again for a moment as Nebula wondered what he was thinking. And wondered what _she_ was thinking. It hadn’t bothered her as much when they had first arrived - trapped out in space for all that time. Mainly, she’d been angry at herself for letting the chance of revenge slip through her fingers. She’d been angry that Thanos had been able to win due to Gamora’s terrible judgement. She’d been devastated at the loss of her sister, even though that hadn’t properly _hit_ her yet as she hovered ever closer to death. But the fact that half the universe had died… Even when she grew to mind for Tony’s suffering and worrying, it was restricted mostly to a few individuals. The boy. His lover. His best friend.

Here… There was no escape. Here, they had _all_ lost someone. In some cases so much more. And Nakia and Shuri had shared some of their grief, thinking they spoke to a fellow mourner. Through their kindness, their bizarrely open hearts, they apparently did not even fault her for her connection with Thanos. But of course they didn’t know - because she hadn’t told them - that she was _not_ a fellow mourner. She was the reason for their suffering.

Facing two of them was bad enough. Facing all of them?

Tony had opened his eyes and he was considering her with the sadness he never quite seemed able to shake, despite all the stupid jokes. “Why have you never brought this up?”

“I…” She didn’t quite know what to say. “I’ve just been thinking more about it.”

“Hearing their stories.” He nodded. “And all the time thinking that they wouldn’t have to face this if your sister had made a different call.”

“Or if I hadn’t been stupid enough to run right into Thanos’ grasp,” she added.

“Nebula, how do you think it’s been for me?”

Her brow furrowed in confusion. “For… For you?”

“What your sister did for you, Strange did for me. At least in your case, it was an act of _love_. How the hell do I explain what Strange did? Why exactly he decided that my life meant more than half the universe?”

“But… but you think there must have been a reason behind it. That’s one of the reasons you think there’s still hope, because of the futures Strange saw.”

“Yeah.” Tony clenched his fist and rested it against his chin. “Doesn’t mean they’re not dead, does it?”

“It’s not the same.”

“Our whole trip,” he went on, as if he hadn’t even heard her, “I’ve been _thinking_ and _thinking_ about what -“ He flexed his fingers, face taught. “What I could have done. Because I knew this was coming - or not this, _something_ like this. And I tried to stop it, I tried to build a shield around the whole world! And that turned against me. Because that’s my curse, isn’t it? I’m the one who blows things up. That’s the only thing I’m any good at. Protecting things, that’s what the other guy does.” He smiled but it was entirely without humour.

Nebula looked away. She had no clue how to respond to that, but luckily the Terran didn’t seem to have finished.

“You and me, we’re both here because other people thought we were worth saving,” he continued. “And speaking personally, I’m not too convinced that it was the right call. Whether I’m worth this life at all. But we’re kind of stuck with it now. So we’ll figure out a way to make this right. And while we do it, we make that son of a bitch pay. Because that’s what we’re good at, right? Now, I’ve been working on a missile that makes his stupid moon look like cotton candy and I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

* * *

Once they got bored of playing with missile simulations, Tony started scrolling through her memories again, never pausing on anything long. She told him that it was a useless approach and there was no point if he kept trying to spare her from pain, but he just shrugged and told her she should tell him to pause whenever there was something of interest. There wasn’t, really. They’d browsed their way through pretty much her entire time with Thanos now, for all the good it had done them.

Tony had been getting more thoughtful, even more quiet than he had been recently, and after a while Nebula asked him what exactly was bothering him. He didn’t seem to even notice the aggression in her tone.

“Let’s go further back,” he said instead.

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“We’ve limited ourselves to looking at your life in Thanos’ captivity.” She was about to protest his use of that word, but he pressed on before she could. “But you had a life before that. One that eventually led you to Thanos. How did that happen?”

Nebula couldn’t consciously recall. “What’s the point of that?”

He shrugged. “Just call it a hunch.”

A part of her wanted to refuse, but what was the harm? He could hardly think worse of her than he did after trawling through her memories with Thanos.

“Fine.”


	9. PALACE

_The skin of the planet cracked open as a thick blue substance spilled over the rocky ground. As the patrol’s rod came loose, falling into the crack, the ship speeding above slowed down as its occupants inspected the crack._

_“They’ve found us,” said the man watching the screen._

_“What?” asked the little girl._

_“Go and hide. Go now. Don’t watch.”_

_“But I want to -”_

_“Go!”_

* * *

“BARF technology,” said Tony proudly. “You can practically walk around in your own memories, see? Makes a hell of an addition to the memory drive.”

Nebula gave him a flat look.

“Of course, it’s probably more fun with nicer memories.”

“I don’t have many of those.”

Tony had seen enough of them that he didn’t bother disputing this.

“And I still fail to see the point of all this.”

“I’d ask you whether you have any better ideas…”

Nebula sighed. “Go on then.”

* * *

_His frame towered among the natives of the planet as his henchmen flocked through the masses, giving their customary speech. But he was furious - it was clear from his visage, from his bearing. The clenched fist was a bit of a giveaway. He stepped past the crack in the wall to where their leader was currently forced to his knees, with the edge of an axe resting lightly against the back of his neck._

* * *

“Why did you hide there?”

“I don’t remember,” said Nebula with a shrug. Her new shoulders were shrugging well. “It was ages ago.”

“Seems like you’d want to get _away_ from the danger. Fine, fine, no need for the death glare.”

“I wish Shuri were here,” she muttered.

“Ouch,” said Tony, rubbing his heart absent-heartedly even as he frowned at the kneeling Luphomoid. “Anyway, she’s busy being queen.”

“She seems to be busy a lot, lately.”

“Well, I imagine it’s a full-time job… Let’s go on.”

* * *

_“Where is it?”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

_“The map. It was entrusted to the Luphomoids.”_

_“I know of no -” The sentence was cut off in a scream that went on and on and on and -_

* * *

“Why are you stopping?”

“Sorry,” said Tony, looking distinctly pale and clammy. “Just with the torture…”

Nebula rolled her eyes. “You can step out.”

“Doesn’t it bother -” he started angrily, then cut himself off. “You’re right. Sorry,” he said again, and they continued.

* * *

_"Not all your people need to die.”_

_The Luphomoid’s head was being held up now so that he could still meet the Titan’s gaze. “You’ll kill my people whatever I say.”_

_“Some. But not all.”_

_“I don’t know what you want,” said the man again with all the defiance he could muster._

_The Titan turned to one of his subordinates, who hovered forwards, long fingers extended._

_“This won’t be pleasant,” he murmured._

_But the man smiled at him, teeth bloodied. “You’ll find that a Luphomoid’s mind is harder to break than you think.”_

_“We’ll see about that_.”

* * *

“Can’t we at least fast-forward?”

“You’re the one with the _hunch_.”

“I regret having ever said anything.”

“That’d be a small mercy,” muttered Nebula. “Besides, you’re not the one who had to _live_ it.”

Tony looked unhappy but also unwilling to argue. “Do you remember what happens?” he asked, letting the memory roll as the interrogation continued.

“Vaguely,” said Nebula.

“Where did your parents go after this?”

“Never saw them again. I don’t know if they survived the culling.”

* * *

_“You were always too insignificant a species to be entrusted with the secrets of the soul. Powerless. Weak. Unable to match others in combat so you cower on your home planet.”_

_“And you are obsessed with power. Whatever pretty words you use, that’s all you are. A petty tyrant.”_

_“If I do not get what I want, I will burn this entire planet.”_

_“The secrets you seek are no longer here. Not the map, nor our knowledge of the stone -”_

* * *

“Hold up,” said Tony, pausing the feed. He looked over at Nebula. “You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?”

“Stone.”

“Eh… yes, that would be the short version. Stone, him talking of stones on _your_ home planet. Now of course there’s a lot of stones, but -”

“A map. Thanos mentioned a map.”

“And he also mentioned ‘secrets of the soul’. Bit pretentious, but -”

“The soul stone,” breathed Nebula even as her mind raced. But that couldn’t - Not on her planet - But hadn’t Gamora - _Gamora_! Surely Gamora would have… _Not if it’d put me in danger_. Then she wouldn’t say anything about where she found the map, even if it were connected to…

_Did you go there? What did you see?_

_Why wouldn’t you tell me?_

“Do you think that’s where the map was?” asked Tony.

But Nebula was barely listening.

Gamora had burnt the map to ash, she had said. But there was something else…

 _Remember why I was stronger_ , the Gamora in her dream had said. _Weak_ , the Thanos in her memory had called her. Stronger than Nebula, not merely in differences of wills but _physically_ unmatched - which Gamora had hinted at. _Dream_ Gamora. So either her subconscious was playing one hell of a game or _that_ Gamora was actually communicating -

“Hey! Earth to Nebula!” Tony was snapping his fingers in front of her and Nebula instinctively reached out, grabbed his wrist and twisted it. Tony let out a howl of pain and Nebula let go, startled.

“Oh.”

“What the _fuck_ -”

“I didn’t mean to do that.”

Tony massaged his wrist and gave her a dirty look. “Well, I’m thrilled the new arm is working so well. One more second and this’d be broken.”

“Eh - Sorry.”

He grimaced and then sighed. “Whatever. Should have remembered to keep my distance. So what exactly were you thinking of that made you go all murder-happy?”

“I was thinking about Thanos -”

“That’d do it.”

“- and my sister. She said something similar to him in my… in my dreams.”

They were silent for a moment as Nebula thought of dream Gamora again and her talk of seeking out worlds and remembering and… But if it really was _her_ , why wouldn’t she just _tell_ Nebula where to look? Why all these hints and clues and games?

“You think it’s really her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s finish watching.”

Nebula nodded.

* * *

_“- remain here, we gave them all up.”_

_“You’re lying.”_

_“You can search all you want. Have your goon torture me until I die. But it won’t make any difference.”_

_A smile stretched across the Titan’s face and he leaned down towards the man. “I will enjoy watching the death of the people you love.”_

_“Because you’re a monster,” said the man, defiant to the last. “But you’re also a fool. You’ll never understand the stone or its secrets, never understand how it connects the souls you merely wish to destroy -”_

_The Titan signalled to his man and the axe descended._

_From behind a crack in the wall there came a small involuntary gasp_.

* * *

Turn it off,” said Nebula.

Tony turned away from where Thanos was approaching the wall with the crack and when he saw Nebula’s expression, he hurried to do as she said. “Nothing important after this, probably.”

“He never found out where the map is,” said Nebula. “That’s why he couldn’t…” She shook her head. “He asked me. When he found me, he asked me whether I often watched from behind the crack in the wall.”

“That’s why he took you.”

“His twisted version of mercy. I’m sure that’s what he thought of it. One survivor.”

“The only?”

“I don’t know.”

“You know, I’d really like to kill the fucker.”

“Join the line.”

Tony smiled grimly. “Gladly. So where does this leave us? Your seemingly dead but potentially… trapped? I don’t know. Anyway, your sister is possibly leaving you messages, reminding you of why Thanos took you, which is to do with the soul stone. The map specifically. But we already know where the soul stone is.”

“Vormir. Not anymore, but…”

“Yeah, but that’s presumably where the map would’ve taken us.” He tapped fingers against forearm, brow furrowed. “Which leaves us with soul stone _secrets_.”

“Maybe they could… Maybe we could find a way of reaching her.”

“Inside the stone?” asked Tony and her heart sank at how dubious he sounded. A pause. “You know what? I think it’s time we took a break.”

“You don’t think this is going to work.”

He sighed and walked over to the table, gulping down some water before answering. “It sounds like a long shot but we can’t exactly discount it.”

“Even if it’s pointless?”

“What else am I going to do?”

This wasn’t quite the vote of confidence she’d been hoping for, but she could see Tony was exhausted. Her own mind was still racing, but the Terran needed a break. She nodded curtly.

“Hopefully I can discuss this with Shuri when she gets back.”

“ _If_ she gets back,” muttered Tony.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. It’s a rough time for everyone,” he said, then sighed. “Right. I’m going to try to get some sleep and then we can… reconvene. Assess where we’re at. Do the planning and the executing and all that shtick.”

“Yes,” said Nebula. She had stopped paying attention to him, instead letting her thoughts run away with her. Gamora, Thanos, the Luphomoids… The map and the soul stone, her past and present suddenly colliding again -

“Nebula?”

“What?”

“Get some sleep too. You need it.”

She looked at him for a moment, then nodded. He smiled, looking almost sincere, and left the lab.

So she sat down on the bed and thought. Gamora. Thanos. The Luphomoids. The map and the soul stone. Round and round they went in her head.

_Are you alive?_

No answer came.

What next?

What _else_ could her memories provide? What about her conversations with Gamora? _Before_ Gamora had gone off to search for the soul stone map the first time… Had that been on her home planet? Why hadn’t Thanos sent her? Hadn’t he trusted her (odd how that thought still sent a pang through her heart as it betrayed her)? Had Gamora talked to her before that? Had she found the soul stone map there? Had the Luphomoid leader been lying?

Had _Nebula_ given Gamora any information? She strained her mind, trying to remember whether they’d talked before Gamora’s mission, but couldn’t think of anything. No matter, she could find that information. She knew how. And then maybe… she didn’t know _how_ that information would help, but it had to, right?

She thought of Gamora watching her, helping her with messages however cryptic they were. She felt her heart pound so heart it could have leaped right out, but not of fear. She sank a little further down on the bed and under the blanket, for once appreciating how soft it felt. It was hard to think of anything else than the spirit of Gamora. However much she wanted to bludgeon her mind into planning, it seemed to be far more content to obsess over the possibility that Gamora, _her sister_ , might truly, actually, not be entirely lost…

* * *

She wasn’t entirely sure when she had fallen asleep. When she woke up again, she did not immediately open her eyes. After a moment of grogginess, she grew aware that she was not alone. Cracking open her eyes, she saw that only her spot of the lab was dark. Beyond that, the lab was well-lit, with two familiar figures talking.

“Calm down,” Nakia was saying. “What’s going on?”

“More of the same. It is not my country any more. I don’t know whose it is, but it isn’t mine.”

“Shuri. Wakanda will always be yours.”

“No. I have failed my people and I have failed my world. Don’t - Nakia, let me finish! I _told you_ I don’t want to burden you, but if you are so determined to be my advisor, then advise me. Because I was the one foolish enough to think Wakanda would be strong enough to move through this, that we could help others and maybe help ourselves in the - But I should have realised that in the face of such a catastrophe, I needed to make sure our nation was united before looking outside.”

“What _happened_?”

“They shot down the ship, they managed, they have an entire Western province under control -”

“Who are they?”

“The - the - Damnit, you know full well! Rebel groups, does it even matter -”

“Breathe.”

“What’s the _point_?” asked Shuri with a bitterness Nebula hadn’t expected to hear from her.

“The point? You ask what the point is? Were you meant to look away while others burned? I won’t advise you to ignore the suffering of others, never. You made a choice, a choice that was kind and fair and true to what T’Challa believed in.”

“And now my country has turned against me.”

“You cannot fold in the face of the first sign of resistance.”

“ _First sign_! First? Riots in the Golden City, farmers wanting to close off their lands from the nation, two tribes openly questioning my decisions… They mourned T’Challa for mere weeks before turning on him!”

“They are angry. You cannot blame them.”

“No, I do not. Whatever T’Challa’s decision had been, half our people would be gone. But at least we wouldn’t have lost even _more_ to war.” Words spoken through clenched teeth. “And now, a child is queen.”

“You are _not_ a child.”

“Would you like to inform your own tribe of as much? How much longer will they tolerate you standing by my side?”

“Shuri! Shuri, listen to me. Do you truly think that I would leave? I have rebelled against my _king_ before, rebelling against my tribe would hardly be difficult to me.”

“This is -”

“No different. I thought T’Challa was _dead_ -”

“And now he is.”

“But you’re not. You are the Black Panther, Shuri, and I put my faith in you. Because I know you are worthy of the title, even if you should never have had to take it. Because I know T’Challa would be so proud of you.”

“You can’t know -”

“Oh come now, you’re being ridiculous.”

A pause. “His pride would hardly be enough. Not that he got to tell me -”

“And it’s not fair -”

“Besides, my father -”

“- would also be proud. They’d be proud. And I stand by you, because I know you can lead the people. _Ask_ them if they are willing to extend a little compassion to those who suffer.”

“A ruler begging their people for permission? Doesn’t make for much of a ruler.”

“Maybe once. But times have changed. And they can learn compassion. It is the hardest of times that define us as a people.”

A hollow laugh. “T’Challa really got all his best lines from you, huh?”

A beat. “You think it’s just a line?”

And another pause. “No, I don’t. But it sounds a lot better coming from you. Or T’Challa. The pep talk was never my ballpark.”

“You can’t know that if you don’t try, if you lock yourself away and don’t _talk_ to Wakanda.”

“I don’t _lock myself away_ ,” said Shuri angrily. “I go to those damn council meetings -”

“Your people aren’t the council.”

“I’m sure some motivational speech from me will make it all -”

“We are in uncharted territory and we need a queen fit for those struggles. But you need to talk to them. If you want them to remain true to the spirit of Wakanda even in its darkest hour, then maybe asking its people to do so would be a good start, hm?”

“They won’t listen.”

“You’re their queen.”

Shuri laughed.

“You have a strength beyond what any other ruler of this nation has had, and it is in your _mind_.”

“That isn’t what gains the respect of my people. I am too young, too weak and too -“

“Then tell them! Your pain is the pain of Wakanda. Has it ever occurred to you that your determination to keep it locked up and hidden - even from me - might be what removes you from your people? Wakanda needs to grieve! It needs to cry for what it has lost.”

“That’s as good as admitting we can’t fix it.”

“The alternative is letting this country live in perpetual limbo and we can’t survive that. We _have_ survived the first wave of horror and dealt with its consequences by numbing ourselves and trying to do what has been done and driving ourselves insane in the process. But everyone has lost people dear to them. And they cannot keep ignoring that.

Shuri muttered, “They can try.”

“How? You have barely any family left, Shuri. Like so many other Wakandans. People loved T’Chaka. People loved T’Challa, whatever their anger right now. People adored Ramonda. Yes - cry! You can weep in front of me, Shuri. And I miss them too, I miss so many. Your people are divided right now, but what can unite them is their grief.”

“And that’s supposed to work?” Her tone was disbelieving.

“It might not. I don’t pretend to be a prophet. I can only give you the counsel I would have given T’Challa. You are your own person, Shuri. You will never be your brother and neither will you be your father. And you have to decide how you are going to rule. You are free to ignore my advice, but whatever you do you must take your own path. Respect the old ways, but if you cling to them then you will find them wholly unsuited to this new world.”

A sigh. “You should really be queen in my stead.”

“Don’t be silly. I’d never be suited to the role. Come on, show me what’s happened since I was last here.”

They moved off a little then, to the far screens where Shuri showed Nakia images of rebellion and they spoke too quietly for Nebula to hear. The elation of her work with Tony had entirely faded with the sharp reminder of everything that had been lost when Gamora decided to give up the stone for Nebula. All that mattered was fixing this, and killing Thanos, and both were still so very unlikely, as Tony knew, as Shuri and Nakia knew, as _Nebula_ knew when she wasn’t kidding herself with dreams of a sister who was _dead._ Nebula had long known this story wouldn’t end well for her, and she shouldn’t delude herself for a _second_ that it could end any other way.

She dozed off. This time her sleep was filled with nightmares. Gamora was in many of them, but only to scream or hear Nebula scream and turn away. However much Nebula shouted, Gamora never talked to her. Maybe she never would again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL Endgame has come out so obviously the canonicity (?) of this is gone but if you're still here for long conversations and less snapping away interesting Wakandan storylines, thanks! This fic is pretty close to being finished once Nebula gets to leave, but like... in a not depressing way. Mostly.


End file.
